When I was 23, I misdosed myself and took 110mg of 4-AcO-DMT. The experience was EXTREMELY traumatic and I believed I was dying. At one point I was so overstimulated I just lay on my kitchen floor convulsing uncontrollably.
The next few days I didn't know what to do. My body would just shake, I couldn't sleep and I stayed up until I passed out for an hour, and then my shaking would wake up myself up again. I was overwhelmed with dread and thought I had completely fucked my brain forever and all my potential was gone.
But I went to therapy, got better, and my life is completely normal now. I have HPPD and see visual snow, but that's about it.
This blog doesn't want to give platitudes like "it gets better" and I can see how they're not really helpful when you're in crisis mode. The one piece of advice that has helped me is the thinking that "I'm not the first one to ever go through this, and I won't be the last." No matter if you're fucked in the head, going bankrupt, getting divorced - whatever - you aren't alone and you can either find a solution or find acceptance.
A long time ago, I read an account online of someone who was looking for a new recreational drug experience and they got some risperidone, which is a popular antipsychotic.
They took a much larger dose than the normally prescribed amount, and it resulted in a vividly recounted seemingly interminable and utterly hellish experience.
I found it interesting and kind of funny, because we all live in a world familiar with crazy people, casually saying that someone troublesome "should get some help" or if more "empathetic" plaintively ask why nobody is doing anything about the poor untreated and downtrodden wandering the streets.
And yet, it's a shock to a normal (more or less) person to find out that such medications, which are cheap and sometimes effective, are not fun.
For some reason, the idea that "crazy pills" range from unpleasant to unbearable torture depending on dosage doesn't suggest itself as an obvious hypothesis to explain why people who obviously need them won't take them. And it never drives the development of better options.
Even if someone does try it for themselves, their take-away is that it was hell for them because they aren't crazy.
I’m bipolar II and thus “need” medicine. All medicines are a trade off: do the benefits outweighs the side effects. As someone who’s allergic to basically all chemicals they use for these (ADHD, anti depression and anti-psychotic) I would say that I sympathize with individuals who just don’t want to take them because they make you feel like “not you.”
I’ve also went years without them, instead using meditation and therapy to try and prevent any of my low moods or deal with them as they appear. It was during this time I went from depressed working construction (despite being more than qualified for a junior position) to running a YC-backed startup as my first programming job.
I am convinced that “religion” is the cure for most of these illnesses. Learning to be mindful and how to cope combined with open discussion about them goes a long way. But alas there is now an industrial complex around medication being the solution for this stuff.
You point out low mood. Does it help for hypomania?
In my small experience, it seems like people with bp2 are more aware of their condition than those with bp1 tend to be. What you describe sounds pretty scary when i think about it for someone i know with bp1. But it's totally something they might say when manic to avoid treatment.
Yes it does help with hypomania. A big part of mania in general is the ego and tons of philosophies (especially the mindful ones) help you to control and curate a more healthy ego. Buddhism in particular stresses letting go and thinking rationally about how our suffering is caused by clinging to things (and meditation helps to see these things as they come and go.) This has helped me to beat my once serious anger issues I would experience during hypomania
I can. By religion I just mean traditional theories of mind. For instance Buddhism has a lot of techniques to help you gain a clear mind and control it and most eastern philosophies use this to treat bad thoughts and triggers as “demons” which mindfulness can help to ignore or control. I say this as someone who a year or so ago was anti religious and the type to think it was all just dumb superstition.
Obviously there are extremes, but most people don’t suffer from these extremes. Now days we give pills to people immediately when I really think they should be a last resort. Instead it seems most people only resort to mindful coping skills once they get burned out on side effects.
I don't think that much higher dose then prescribed combined with a person that would not be prescribed the drug at all is a good example for your point. Dosage matters for the experience. And, whether your body has issue the drug is supposed to fix matters too. The reasons why people don't take drugs are more complex then that and for so.e of the issues there are simply no know drugs to fix it.
I took a heroic shroom dose and had a life alteringly bad experience. It left me a shell of my former self dealing with crippling anxiety and worse for years.
It got better with time, therapy, and focusing on health and wellness.
Professional help can really be a major catalyst for healing.
I have now fully recovered, feel better than ever and have a great life.
People must realize there is always light at the end of the tunnel.
Exactly same experience here when I was about 14, from a single time taking mushrooms.
Like the OP, I was convinced at the time I had some irreparable damage, as I was so seeing after-images and static on walls and felt extremely disassociated/anxious, but it was probably more garden variety anxiety than I admitted at the time. Constantly fixating on your thoughts because you think you're losing it is enough to make life pretty stressful. I got therapy and slowly forgot about it.
I still have some HPPD symptoms, but interestingly those (and the anxiety) only started after I began looking for them after reading about them online a week or two after the incident, so I've always been curious if anyone can turn off their brain's filter enough to notice them if they tried.
Exact same experience here. When I was in my early 20s. It derailed my life completely at the time but everything got back on track in a couple of years.
> The one piece of advice that has helped me is the thinking that "I'm not the first one to ever go through this, and I won't be the last." No matter if you're fucked in the head, going bankrupt, getting divorced - whatever - you aren't alone and you can either find a solution or find acceptance.
That's good advice, but unfortunately it also applies to situations like "being put to death."
Maybe my response seems flippant, but it's the core reason I was never able to internalize platitudes. There doesn't seem to be any nuanced or precise advice.
He probably didn't mean it as philosophical advice, but when I read it, I burst out laughing and never really stopped. When things get tough, I just shrug and try to embrace it. After all, things can always get worse.
If you take an attitude of "I wonder how bad things can get?" then you tend to discover that there's an upper bound on most forms of badness, which did make me feel better.
E.g. it's hard to imagine a shot at the dentist getting much worse than the worst pain you've ever experienced in your life. So if you've already felt something worse, you can calibrate your temporary expectations and snap yourself out of fear loops.
A shot at the dentist isn't so bad, but mental loops can be. So if you're in an anxiety spiral, compare it to the worst emotional distress you've ever felt, and see if it's worse. If it's worse, switch to physical pain. I'm able to stay in a good mood when I'm nauseous thanks to having had one of the worst illnesses I've ever had, a few months ago. Headaches and queasiness feels small in comparison.
> That's good advice, but unfortunately it also applies to situations like "being put to death."
This may come as a surprise, but we should be able to face death calmly as well, knowing full well it affects everyone in due time.
It is more reliable than any other situation such as divorce, psychotic breakdown, sickness, loss of loved one....
I can't imagine being calm facing death, but I don't see is as a contradiction to say we can face divorce and death calmly and with equanimity knowing others have and will go through it.
Unfortunately, if one allows oneself to believe that too much, it's mental permission to commit suicide. After all, committing suicide is just as much a valid task as anything else, like writing a book or making a chair. It's an extremely hard one, too. But since others have and will go through it, as you say, it becomes that much easier. Especially when you're resolved to face it calmly and equanimously.
I suppose "memento mori" can be argued in the worst sense as leading to nihilism. However, it'd be impossible to say anything of substance if we were constantly trying to avoid any worst-case interpretations. Most reasonable people can surely understand there's a difference between the colloquial usage of death versus suicide.
It’s not a worst case interpretation. It’s a relief to go.
I think it’s not possible to understand unless you know the feeling. You’re right that most people don’t. But many do: Robin Williams, David Foster Wallace, Aaron Swartz.
I don’t claim to speak for them, but if any of them used it as an escape — which seems somewhat likely - then they’re examples that the logic can be turned against someone strong, using their strength against them by encouraging them to accept the inevitability with composure.
You’ll have to take my word that there are many more of us than those famous examples, though.
It's risky to presume that most people are unfamiliar with the feeling.
About 3.8% of the world population, or about 300 million people are affected by depression (WHO 2021). It seems safe to assume that (1) the true figure is under-reported and (2) those affected are connected to others who can also deeply relate in some way.
Personally, I know all too what what that feeling is like. The solution for me was finding people who could speak truth with love, and just time. Knowing that we're all in the same boat gives me more -- not less -- reason to make the ride count.
Nobody would say that someone who is weathering the death of a loved one would have in fact been OK killing that person, or even secretly wished for their death.
It's no different with self. You can want to live, and still accept the finitude of life.
It's supposed to make life sweeter when you accept completely that it may end at any moment.
There are a lot of other benefits to the attitude of: "I'm not the first one to ever go through this, and I won't be the last."
It's a great way to put things into perspective. It also helps relieve some psychological presure. It also doesn't require buying into any supernatural belief systems. This is a big plus if you're not inclined towards supernatural explanations.
I think that the biggest benefit is that this attitude helps make people more compassionate towards others. And it naturally becomes more general if you work at it a bit... If you're not to only one to go through whatever difficult situation in particular, maybe others have gone through the same thing. Maybe other people have gone through similar stuff, too. After a while it becomes easier to extend that out to seeing that people suffer in ways that I can't quite understand right now. And it starts from the understanding that I'm not alone going through this, whatever it is. I becomes easier to see that people deserve understanding, or compassion, or even some actual help.
Helping others in need can become a deeply rewarding aspect of your life. It might not fix things, it won't cure a serious depression or whetever. But it can make thing a lot better for you and others.
Also, I thr to keep in mind that no one is in prison, no one has cancer, no one is dead. The situation might have some real negative potential, and is worth addressing, and it's also, in some sense, workable. There are real problems that can be addressed, and fixed in real life. Start small and work towards a solution, for youself and others.
In case anyone else here isn't a druggie and wanted some context: According to Dr. Search Engine, MD, 2-5 milligrams is a "micro" dose, and 10-20 is a normal dose
> How did you end up overdosing like that? What's the story, there?
As someone who have over/under-dosed a couple of times when I was younger: dealer says they give you 100mg, so in order to take 25mg without having a scale, you divide it into two piles and then those two piles, take one of them.
Problem occurs when dealer fucked up somehow and actually gave you 200mg, so now you end up taking 50mg, double the intended dosage.
Other ways of fucking up is believing you got 2CB when actually you got 2CP, or something similar like that, so the dose you thought was light/moderate, ended up being a heavy one, or vice-versa. Hence you should always start smaller than you think and wait for some hours :)
I don't think I've ever overdosed at the scale that parent did, but it is possible to fuck up, especially without having accurate scales.
You should never consume a powerful mind-altering psychedelic without exactly knowing the dose you are taking.
You should never take a large dose without first studying the effects that lower doses have on your mind and body.
The only way this happens is through carelessness and ignorance. Don't blame the guy above you for fucking up when you're fucking up equally bad by not measuring yourself and following established protocol.
> Other ways of fucking up is believing you got 2CB when actually you got 2CP
You should not purchase from sources you don't trust, and with a new dealer / batch you should always test the substance using a full kit, then take a small amount and wait, prior to consuming your intended dose.
This is all drug safety 101. You can explore your mind but you must first care about your body. If someone thinks, "but I don't have time, I want to get high now, then they should not be taking drugs, as they lack the proper maturity to do it safely.
> it is possible to fuck up
Only through carelessness and ignorance. The lack of drug safety in the scene today is absolutely appalling, given the availability of drug testing kits, crowdsourced information hubs, and cheap milligram scales.
> Don't blame the guy above you for fucking up when you're fucking up equally bad
I'm not blaming anyone, not the person above me nor myself. I'm just explaining how it can happen. I don't do much drugs anymore, and back when I did, there wasn't really any way of getting testing kits nor finding "established protocols" unless you knew actual people in the real world. The internet wasn't even a thing first time I tripped. Good luck finding "information hubs" or good scales as a private person back in those days.
There is a lot of assumption and "holier-than-thou" coming from your comment, but you have no idea about the context from what I'm writing. You'd be better off trying to want to understand, instead of preaching.
There's nothing holier-than-thou about my comment. Drug safety protocols (such as testing your product with small doses) have always existed in one form or another. PiHKAL and TiHKAL and the public library have existed before the internet. Making uninformed decisions with strong mind-altering substances which are active in the milligram range is a choice. The user is still responsible for their safety. Information was available to those who sought it then as it is now; and most people now still do not use the resources available to them.
We can definitely be safer than ever today and that might allow more room for experimentation. The fact is that if one had less information back then, they should evaluate whether taking drugs is worth the risk.
Eyeballing RCs is always a bad idea, but if you don't have a scale, a much better way is to dissolve it in a liquid, at a 'known' concentration, and measure that. Alcohol (vodka) usually works well for most stuff at 1mg/ml. That makes it easy to measure with a baby oral syringe or one of the plastic 5ml cups that comes with cough syrup. The vodka also prevents mold/bacteria growth in the solution if it sits for months.
Even with a scale, this is a better method for low mg dosing RCs. Unless you spend thousands on lab grade equipment, Amazon scales can't measure a few mg accurately, even if they claim that.
I’m 29 now and I can’t remember my thought process at the time just that I remember realizing what I measured out wasn’t correct but I also realized this while under the effects of the drug.
The snow is not constant and usually intensifies if I’m under stress. But it’s not very noticeable, it’s like film grain is how I would describe it. It’s gotten less and less over the years but it’s still there. Doesn’t bother me though
I read micro dosing the first time also. Somewhat out of habit when there is cognitive dissonance, I reread it and saw what it actually said. Usually this feature of my mind helps me to read quickly, but it comes with side effects :)
My best friend from high school did 20 years in prison. He was one of the first people sentenced under Missouri's "3 strikes" sentencing guidelines. He got out a few years ago. He told me, for him, rock bottom was when he heard the judge throw 20 years at him. He didn't think it would happen for such petty crimes (stealing pawnable junk out of people's garages) and his cooperation with the police. But when it happened, he knew they weren't gonna blink; he was gonna do the full 20 years. He did. He also told me that his entire time in prison was actually a gift. He got his life back together. He kicked his drug habits. He finished high school. Got a college degree. And got his own business started training service dogs. He told me the key, for him, to restarting his life was simply not being bitter about his bad situation. He blamed only himself, and decided to dig himself out.
Is it a good thing to ruin your life more than once?
I'm still paying the price of not having a structured family (not my fault), not studying when I should, and spending pretty much all my life until I was close to 30 yo doing mostly nothing of substance.
It took me serious determination and hard work to close the gap. I did get my diplomas and stuff (and even chose the wrong degree for me), and still takes a toll on me.
I'm 35 and I'm in a free self-paced bootcamp (because I need to work and sustain myself, and I can't just pay 8k to barely learn anything for six months, without income), doing what I have should done 15 years ago, which is programming/data/etc.
Internally, I'm (kind of, not completely) in peace with my life, but mistakes do have a cost. Maybe if your family is rich or your mistake is a one-off then you can manage it without much of a problem, but fucking up your life can take very different forms.
You pay not only with your income, but socially too. You really have to get good at selling snake oil for getting attention from girls for example, or befriending people who's above your income level, and so much more.
So yeah, I don't think "ruining your life" is that fine.
I took it as meaning "It's a good thing that it's possible to 'ruin your life' more than once because it means you survived the first time and have some experience for the second time." Not meaning "It's a good thing to ruin your life the second time." I think that heading was being unnecessarily clever in order to grab attention, but I don't think the article ever says it's a good thing to ruin your life, ever.
I did also "nothing of substance" until I was almost 30 also.. But it's fine I dont regret it. I did what I wanted at the time and I enjoyed that part of my life.
When I was approaching 30 I suddenly got these urges to get my life together and get a career, and I did, it was grand. I guess I am lucky and privileged, I did a free government course in programming and I loved it and that launched my career then.
> I did also "nothing of substance" until I was almost 30 also.. But it's fine I dont regret it.
Much the same here. I enjoyed the company of friends, read a load of stuff, had many adventures with a motorbike, beer and curry, lived in shared houses and worked in a crappy mundane easy-osy job as a field engineer.
During this time I still maintained a fleeting interest in software development (I still read Byte, EXE, Dr Dobbs etc and fiddled with code). Then one day I tired of the easy going but not well paid lifestyle and wangled my way into a VC backed ISV to establish myself as a developer (though for a while - I took an 18 month break to work as a data centre engineer, which involved the build out a moderately sized site and an internet exchange point).
And here I am on the wrong side of my mid 50's with very few regrets. Not no regrets because there are two or three (one is a relationship I really made a mess of, and succumbing to a very long period of anxiety disorder after my marriage exploded), but now I'm largely just fine.
I remember in my 20s going from Having it All Figured Out to single, unemployed, drastically reduced social circle, living in my parents basement, got depressed & anxious, got out of shape, took smoking back up - all in 6 months time. It wasn't all connected, but it did happen all at once, and I definitely let it snowball on me.
The best advice I got was to solve one problem at a time. I went all in on getting a job. Then getting an apt. Then getting in shape. Then reconnecting with friends. Then dating again. Then quitting smoking again.
I definitely had to lean on family/friends for help. Especially my parents, who had their adult son back in their basement for a few months, and a few friends/former colleagues, who worked their networks on my behalf.
> I have expertise in Ruined Life Reclamation
In hindsight, the person who gave me the best advice definitely did have some expertise themselves.
Have a fantastic loving partner, an incredible house we worked so much on, an amazing job with fantastic people I enjoy being around every day.
I've decided to part ways with my partner now and move out, be on my own again at 30. I could've started a family now, but chose not to. I don't know if that opportunity will ever come again.
I've tried hard, but I just couldn't shake off the feeling of living a life according to a template, or a recipe. Holding myself up to everybody's expectations but mine. Feels like I'm ruining my life by walking away from people that truly care about me.
I don't want to bask in regret. Am I ruining my life?
Honestly, I would say you definitely might be. But I understand the wanderlust. It will be freeing at the beginning, but that life won't be there when you come back, and even if it is, the love won't be the same because _you left_. You left. An innocence the relationship had is lost. You will now change in different ways from one another. And you will now each tell yourselves stories about the other that don't match up.
Some advice is that you have to decide to stop loving your partner now. If you leave, what you've left is gone. Forever. You can't have it back. You don't get to have your cake and eat it too. You left. It's over. If you meet someone else, don't list the ways in which your connection with them isn't as ineffably beautiful as what you had, because the world outside of relationships hardens people. You may never have that feeling of home back in your life.
To be in a relationship is to deny the world. You chose the world. Own it, accept it. You were not fit for a relationship.
For the record, the template is there because it works. Life can go sideways more than you'd imagine is possible. It can obviously be a great decision you'll look back on as being a great decision. But you've tossed away something precious. You don't get to do that scot-free. You're different a person now.
Kind of sounds like you're rebelling against what you interpret as "the" template for life, but I'm not aware of any such thing beyond the broadest strokes. You can absolutely blow up what you've got and start from a new place, or you can define your life in the margins between what we all tend to have in common. Example: I have a wife, kids, home and job, but I also take big breaks between relatively short job tenures, do a lot of in-depth personal projects and mountain bike at a pretty extreme level for a guy pushing fifty.
Probably. That template you’re running away from is popular because it works. Most people meet all of their friends in school, which you only have access to when you’re young. Then you meet a partner in your mid-20s because that’s when everyone else is also looking for a partner. Then you get your career in full swing because you have few responsibilities and can put a lot of energy into it. Then you start a family because that’s the point in your life where fertility is optimal.
All those things happen at roughly similar times for everyone, because each stage of life is optimized for that task. If you try to break the template, then you become the creepy old guy at the club trying to meet people. Or the guy in mid-life who has no career history in that field. Or you don’t have the energy to raise kids anymore. Or the pool of available partners is so small you don’t really have any options.
You don’t live in this world alone, and most large goals require collaboration with other people, even if that collaboration is simply aligning your timing do do things when everyone else is. You won’t live forever, and your mind and body will slowly fail. You need to do things while you still can, not when some unattainable ideal state is reached.
You don’t have infinite time to wait for perfect opportunities to come along. You need to make them happen as best you can with the people and resources you have available at that moment.
only if the response to feeling stuck in someone elses template is doing something random hasty, that you haven't thought through.
before doing anything you should figure out what you want from your life. set goals, check if they are realistic and then take steps to explore.
for example, instead of just moving out, i would have tried travelling. go to another city for a week or a month. try it on for size. take small steps to turn the life that you have into the life that you want.
i was kind of in a similar situation, where i felt stuck in a life without perspective, and decided to move my whole family to another continent, giving up friends and a regular routine for a life of uncertainty and chaos (that wants to be tamed). i don't regret the move, as i have no desire to go back, but i wish i would have been able try first before making a commitment.
Sounds like you could use a gap year or a sabbatical. Don’t underestimate how hard it is to find a loving partner. A lot of people in our society won’t, unfortunately. Any way you could try working together on making a unique life somehow? Put the house on the market and enjoy a long trip around US/Canada/Europe? Think about the house again later? Maybe a shake up with career? But I hope you don’t just walk away from everything. I lived abroad for a few years and it really helped me appreciate the things we have at home in US.
It’s really hard to know. Maybe, maybe not. Or maybe yes in some ways, but not in others? I always worry about being susceptible to the “grass is greener” type thinking. In any case good luck to you
It's really not that old, you have plenty of time to find someone and start a family. Tons of people are single in their 30s. After 40, I found it much harder to find someone though.
There’s not really advice here but it does speak the truth. In one year both my marriage and my mother died. I’m still here and still surviving. I still have days that feel hopeless, but that really is because fear doesn’t know the future. It makes me feel comfortable saying to myself “Today sucked and was a complete wash. Let’s go to bed and try again tomorrow.”
It's tough giving advice without knowing the specifics. Ruined the life is different for different people. Someone who's failed their college degree might think their life is ruined, another person who's lost their entire family might think their life is ruined. Both are quite different cases to diagnose. For a general template, ChatGPT actually offers a good response:
If you feel like you've "ruined your life," it's important to remember that it's never too late to make changes and improve your situation. Here are a few steps you can take:
1. Acknowledge what went wrong: Take responsibility for your actions and understand that you have the power to change the course of your life.
2. Seek help: Whether it's from a therapist, counselor, or support group, talking to someone about your feelings and situation can help you gain perspective and develop a plan for moving forward.
3. Make a plan: Identify specific goals and steps you can take to achieve them, such as getting a job, going back to school, or improving your relationships.
4. Take action: It's important to take consistent, small steps towards your goals. Even if progress is slow, you are moving forward.
5. Be patient with yourself: Remember that change takes time and that setbacks are normal. Be kind to yourself and don't give up.
6. Surround yourself with positive people who will support you in your journey.
It's important to remember that everyone makes mistakes and that it's possible to recover from even the most difficult situations. With time and effort, you can rebuild your life and create a better future for yourself.
If you’ve really screwed the pooch, delete all internet presence and leave the country. No one in Costa Rica will look too deeply into your history. Leave illegally if you have to. Better to start over than many other options.
If you’re too fucked for that, like you’re an active pedophile or a SBF figure, there’s another option that I’m not going to mention by name. Some modes of living - bring Derek Chauvin right now for example - are going to scare you so badly that when they end, you’re still fucked.
Generally though, restarting is possible and much more common than you think.
Why do you think it's better I wonder? You don't experience the nothingness since you cease to exist (assuming you meant no afterlife which the nothingness implied), so you aren't able to compare it to anything and say ”man I'd rather have antagonizing pain".
I'd take that chance, frankly. I don't assume afterlife or not, and either an afterlife or nothingness is better than a lifetime of unsolvable misery. I am not Zen, I don't think I'm able to become Zen.
I kind of ruined up my career some by taking an extended break to pursue other interests like depression and sleeping 12+ hours per day. What I didn't really factor into my choice was employers are scared of people who have the financial independence to take breaks like this because they cannot be relied on to be loyal wage slaves. I haven't found a great way to overcome this yet because I totally get their concerns. Anyone who doesn't an absolutely 100% need the job is not as dependable. I don't want to be deceptive about why I took a break but in this case it feels like honesty just isn't gonna work.
I hit rock bottom and have slowly dug out. It was more on the relationship side of things.
One thing I noticed these days is I tend to get very sleepy. I am not sure whether it is age related as I am approaching 40. The sleep is such that I fall asleep while typing or if I am reading I fall asleep and the book falls down. I can sleep for long hours and I feel very nice after waking up like it is a new day or something.
I eat decently and I cook what I eat. I also don't have any habits. Is it just age related or something deeper?
How much time did you spend pursuing those new “hobbies”?
I would imagine saying you took some time off for your mental health would be totally fine, I’d have no problems saying that or hiring someone who said that.
3 years which is unfortunately on the cusp of legitimately being out of the loop on current trends. I can't blame any employer for not wanting to take that risk when there are plenty of other candidates to choose from. It definitely effects my confidence in applying for jobs because I know my little hobby projects I've continued to work on are not the same thing as stepping right back into a production environment. I think all I can really do is be honest and hope to find a sympathetic employer willing to toss me a rope. Alternatively I'll have to step back to a more jr role for a while to get my chops back up.
I think the trick is, if they ask about the gap in employment, to simply tell them that you had to take time off to care for a family member. Anything past that is not their business. Depending on your state/country, it's illegal to ask for more details.
I hope that you don't feel bad or anything -- you're not the only person to have health/family/whatever issues.
I think the key aspect to overcoming losses resetting Baseline expectations though that you can move forward without overwhelming sorrow and regret.
I think the interesting question is if this is possible in a objective way. A lot of people that I've met rationalize dramatic experience and loss with the idea that it made them who they are, and is there for a net positive. I've heard this from people after suffering lifelong injury or acquiring permanent disease like AIDS.
It seems difficult to accept that it is water under the bridge without rationalizing that it was necessary. I guess from a deterministic point of view, maybe it was
The weird thing is the bulk of our time spent “in a painful experience” is willing participation. The anatomy of a painful experience is stimuli & response. The stimuli are (generally speaking) pretty brief, but you have no say in them. The response is the part where I have wallowed in self pity for months, have screamed myself hoarse into the void, etc.
Recently, sometimes I can’t help but see an optional epicycle wrapped around the whole experience like “ah, pain again. okay, let’s get this over with and get back to what I care about.”
There is that part near the end of 'Der Untergang' (which I think is a fantastic movie for many reasons, and which obviously has nothing to do with Pol Pot) where you can see the ease with which the power hungry were absolutely willing to sacrifice their entire population if it meant that they would hold out a few days longer. The inhumanity of what was happening while at the same time being concerned with their own every day little normal bits of life was such an incredible contrast.
Reading about other people fucking up is a great way to feel better.
It's actually human nature afaik. In studies into human happiness Leda Cosmides and John Tooby found that our brains set our happiness level relative our neighbours.
Not many of them have the spamming potential that email has. The real purpose behind all these bullshit newsletters is to "build an audience" and be able to "engage" it later with spam or maybe even sell the entire list to other spammers.
I prefer email because it’s all in one place and easy to ignore. Then I’ll have a nice leisurely weekend morning reading through my inbox. Never noticed an issue with junk mail. But I’m curious, what would you recommend as a better alternative?
There is some value in consuming a mix of both push and pull content. In the modern world we've gone way overboard on only consuming what we want exactly when we want it it. News letters are more like a magazine or newspaper subscription where you're choosing to have content randomly pushed at you to broaden your horizons. Also as a content creator it enables you to write differently for a smaller but way more engaged audience. It's like the difference between having a private conversation with a large group of friends versus getting on your soap box on the street corner.
What are the many and better ways? Social media certainly isn't one of them. Subscription email also shouldn't go to junkmail unless you're doing something very wrong.
Requires you to create an account on that specific platform, plus we have a few examples (eg: Facebook, YouTube) where the platform might decide to not notify everyone if the content isn't "worthy".
Edit: And since timelines now are curated by some algorithm, you can't trust it to show you all new content.
> Web push notifications
Abused by many to send you crap, not always easy to keep everything working when moving to another device. It's disabled on my browser.
> Requires you to create an account on that specific platform, plus we have a few examples (eg: Facebook, YouTube) where the platform might decide to not notify everyone if the content isn't "worthy".
Precisely. One downside is you have to have an account on the platform to receive notifications but this can be overlooked by the fact that SM platforms have X10/0 reach (potential) comparatively. Besides the type of person who wants to engage audiences via email subscriptions isn't necessarily eager to post unsavory content.
> Edit: And since timelines now are curated by some algorithm, you can't trust it to show you all new content.
No. The point is to receive alerts for new content. No sorting is done for this list as far as am aware of.
> Abused by many to send you crap, not always easy to keep everything working when moving to another device. It's disabled on my browser.
I think if we are being fair, we can say email has been abused far more (famous Nigerian prince) than push notifications maybe ever will.
> I like RSS. And this blog offers a feed
Yes. But none of this is immediately clear from the article nor from the main page. I honestly wouldn't know there's an RSS feed if you hadn't posted it.
It looks like it's on SquareSpace. Their email delivery is usually fine. Most people aren't set up for RSS or necessarily want to interact on a social network.
I always find it interesting that so many people have horrible experiences with salvia.
I always found it a somewhat enjoyable experience, extremely reality melting during, but short in duration with an interestingly profound "afterglow".
I guess it having been sold in gas stations and head shops as ridiculously potent extracts with no readily accessible dosing data might have a lot to do with that.
tl;dr subscribe to my blog and maybe sign up for a course, basically a support group for people who like memes and need a pep talk. Shallow but not insincere.
Graham's writings and book helped me make it through Covid isolation and a relationship breakdown. He and his partner have done very good work for many people in the area of mental health in Australia:
https://www.bigfeels.club/about-honor-eastly-and-graham-pant...
had a good confident 20’s. My 30s are a mess. Going on 5.5 years here, I might as well say that I’m going to have to start over.
If there is a right way to fail that is non-detrimental/non-consequential it was not my own. I hit every branch on the way down.
Since my parents never believed in mental health care, I was forced to learn how to cope with ADHD from a young age, remained untreated until 26.
My world improved with treatment. I relocated to San Francisco; now able to function in a normal office after doing retail support for 6 years. I had been hired at a small but promising startup.
After about 12 months, I was promoted to Lead.
At home, I found some unsavory things out about my 4 year relationship was born out manipulation, I moved out of the apartment, and things started to get better. I was doing well at work until storm clouds started rolling in. No human would be great at managing all new feature implementations for Backend API, Web App, iOS, Android, and Windows, being responsible for the mongodb to postgres migration, and my own work on the Windows Platform.
I was doing great, then just ok, and then August 2016, when all of management decided to go on vacation; but this still needed to ship on time. Well it went miserably, and I couldn’t even focus…. time to change up my ADHD medication.
Doctor gets cold feet… literally tells me that he can’t change my medication from what I had originally been prescribed from my doctor in the midwest… he was also unable to write it. Kaiser Permanente ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ I had let it slip once that I had tried Cocaine once and he subsequently labeled me a drug addict, as I was told that as a gay software engineer they would not want to be liable for any harm and these groups were a nonstarter… so he sends me to psychiatry. Well what happens next? I can’t function, full stop, without ADHD medication.
I got fired in less than a month. Turns out the wait time for psychiatry was several months. At least therapy was available to talk about it with.
With the help of a mental health professional, I was able to pinpoint figure out the root cause of failure - High Functioning Autism, not caught early enough, as in childhood, is disastrous as an adult. I would need more verification on it but here I am, a hotbed of undiagnosed neurodiversity…
So I wonder, would knowing before I got fired allow me to have made accommodations? Would I have been able to keep my job? Probably, but unknown for sure how long.
Without a routine, stable enough people around me, general depression of the not knowing that critical information, and because I have zero time management skills… I missed out on exercising my stock options by a day, which would have been worth about $800k-$1M based on final valuation unknown because of dilution, when the largest graphics company in SF bought the company I was fired from.
Finally got around to my psychiatry appointment that they booked, because of my mention of cocaine, psychiatrist will not treat me. Kaiser won’t prescribe stimulants unless I went to the chemical dependency program…. Which, by the way, it’s not covered by my new insurance, which, at this point is Medi-cal/medicaid as my COBRA ran out.
At this point, I’m still not in treatment for ADHD, still need to get diagnosed with autism, formally, after specific tests get performed.
I used to have no problem remembering to take my HIV prevention medication. If I don’t to take it with my Adderall, I notice it….. but without it, combined with the depression of losing both my job, and my stock, dealing with terrible depression, I just spaced out on taking the drug.
It is hard to remember to take daily medication’s if I don’t realize their effects on their own. It h had been a whoknow it’s also hard when concentration and organization are dependent upon taking that drug. So, by slim chance I became infected with HIV.
I got stuck, and now I got myself more stuck. A bright spot was I started dating someone in 2018. He had just gotten a divorce about the time I got fired, so we both were q good influence on each others, confidence and self-esteem. Life was good until a visit to his estranged father made it worse.
They had a physical altercation which was unprovoked by his father, which caused some PTSD to return. In March 2020, he had taken his life. We had been together for over a year at this point, and now I was going in to pandemic alone.
So three years later, here I am, nothing has changed. I have no doubt that I probably should change everything, but it requires resources. My savings ran out. My bank stopped looking for my car, here in my garage the whole time, they can’t sue me as the statue of limitations has run out. But my landlord did - subtenant has decided that he is not paying rent for all the pandemic and he won’t leave, so I am working through that. I am pretty much in financial ruin, San Francisco is paying for a housing subsidy, while I am looking into SSDI. I am not certain that I would be successful in starting over. Working is almost impossible to consider when I start to experience the feeling that by doing so, I am engaging in the outright betrayal of future generations of living things on the planet.
Clearly I have a hate relationship with money to begin with, maybe I am fine with not buying into capitalism anymore; and in turn working for the very people who are not willing to sacrifice their own interests.
The c-suites are keen to continue to push their greenwashing agenda, ignoring their responsibilities to commit to full sustainability and environmental recovery. It truly is a race to the bottom for late stage unrestricted free market capitalism, a continuous slow moving accident - a travesty reeking of desperation, billionaires who can afford to protect their wealth all while reaching hard for the maintaining the last few vestiges of supplying the world unsustainable and unnecessary consumer goods and services, as the planet slowly burns. This may be the best time to get off the train.
I don’t blame myself for all of this, but I am responsible for what I do next. Life was good before California, maybe by leaving it, could it be good again?
I couldn't even read the article because half of it was covered by a newsletter form. No close button. Showed up before I even read one paragraph. Why is every website like this these days?
At this point I think the content is just an annoying leftover thing, like an appendix, that often gets in the way of Engagement and Brand Building and Reader Lifetime Value.
One day soon the article text will be generated on the fly by ChatGPT based on whatever data it can infer about you, and only enough will be created to get you to sign up for the newsletter so you can be spammed with more personalized content that drives greater engagement.
The AI alignment folks were on to something with paper clip maximizes, but the real thing is turning out to be engagement maximizers.
Not even just that, but half of the content is just distracting GIFs. I can’t focus well on reading content when there are videos playing on the same screen. This is also a trend that needs to stop.
He barely wrote about his experiences. He had a bad trip after some undisclosed drug and also had something bad happen more recently that is unshared.
If you want to share the first hand account of your life, do that. If you want to make theoretical arguments, do that. If you want to offer empiricism by looking broadly or in detail, do that.
What’s less worthwhile is to share as little of your life as possible while generalizing it into advice as much as possible. You can claim “I’m just sharing my experiences”, but that’s not really it. The experiences are a fig leaf, a way to speak with maximal authority with minimal accountability.
I kept waiting for "I got fired" or "I killed somebody in a DUI and am going to jail" but there doesn't appear anything in his life that actually.. you know... ruined it?
Yeah this article has big, "Thanks, I'm cured!" vibes.
There was a great documentary on medically assisted dying in Canada recently (by CBC's the Fifth Estate), where social safety nets have become so woefully inadequate for the disabled that some are successfully applying to be legally euthanized by doctors rather than become unhoused and freeze to death on the street.
Apparently they just need like, meditation and good vibes, man. Totally not a platitude.
Reading this "fee-fees for adulties" article ruined my life. It is obvious that this person still has a great deal of emotional growth and healing to do.
The privileged have to invent their suffering in their leisure activities so that their lives feel any drop of meaning other than being an achievement trophy for the elder generation.
In my experience, when you always have the option of coasting, repeatedly choosing to coast is tempting. You know it leads to a worse outcome. You live in fear of long term regret from the sum of your choices. Suffering arrives in between activities, when you face all this. It's no wonder we like to be distracted.
It does not get better. There are only periods where you are too distracted to notice the finish line racing up fast.
Eventually, for EVERYONE, it absolutely gets worse. Someday every person you love or hate will be finally broken. The most happy and successful and the least. And you too.
For the most lucky that period of time is very short--sometimes only five or ten minutes. For others, much longer.
Your best days will be behind you at some point. Try not notice for as long as you can. That's the best you can do.
That seems extremely pessimistic, and is not "the truth", just your opinion.
Personally, my life really sucked until I was around 16 years old, that's when my life started turning around. Since then, my life have just become better and better every single year, even though I've messed up or others around me messed up. Maybe my view changed, or maybe I'm just getting to know myself better the longer I live, but I see no similarities between what you write, and how my life is.
I'm 55, and it keeps getting better. I imagine I'll slow down some day, but I keep smarter, wiser, and although I don't think I have the physical endurance I once had, my experience and improved skills offset that for most physical tasks.
More importantly, I'm happier every year, as I continue to learn and understand.
I didn't mean this to come across as bragging; I don't think this is uncommon. I just want to make sure that you know your statement can't be universally generalized.
They say, "He lived a good life. It is just part of getting old."
But you have not lived the ruined part yourself yet. It is lonely and hopeless.
Everyone is living their lives and they do not want to hear how you really feel. They want you to be positive. They want to say, "He was a fighter."
A woman sits in my hallway crying because her father has not come to pick her up. She sobs and sobs. No one can comfort her. She might even be younger than me. No one visits her.
You become a helpless child again.
Things to say and think to make them feel better. So they feel like they will deal with it too and be ok too.
Time will move faster and slower for you too and you will see for yourself.
I don't know what you are going through, but you might find it helpful to find some professional help to talk about what you are going through. Some people do find life helpless, but it's not something that is guaranteed or required in order to be a human. Some people do enjoy life, and with some help, you hopefully could to. I wish you all the best.
> Your best days will be behind you at some point. Try not notice for as long as you can. That's the best you can do.
It's entirely feasible to exit before life goes downhill. If you make sufficient effort to die youthfully as late as possible, that can still be a relatively old age.
The next few days I didn't know what to do. My body would just shake, I couldn't sleep and I stayed up until I passed out for an hour, and then my shaking would wake up myself up again. I was overwhelmed with dread and thought I had completely fucked my brain forever and all my potential was gone.
But I went to therapy, got better, and my life is completely normal now. I have HPPD and see visual snow, but that's about it.
This blog doesn't want to give platitudes like "it gets better" and I can see how they're not really helpful when you're in crisis mode. The one piece of advice that has helped me is the thinking that "I'm not the first one to ever go through this, and I won't be the last." No matter if you're fucked in the head, going bankrupt, getting divorced - whatever - you aren't alone and you can either find a solution or find acceptance.