Actually, right in these comments PHP programmers proclaim how productive they are, how PHP powers half the web and how Haskellers haven't done anything practical.
So it seems your sarcastic rant completely misses the mark.
I've discovered elixir several weeks ago and fell in love. Dynamic functional language with great concurrency support and ruby syntax. Wow. Lots of other goodies, too.
Started a complete rewrite of my data analysis project in elixir and it is going great. I am nearly sure that my chemistry with elixir will stick for a long time.
Due to practical reasons javascript is my primary choice for small, short-term projects. As an example, meteor is really interesting. I consider JS to be a safe-ish investment of my time due to its momentum and huge ecosystem. It doesn't make me happy, though.
So, to answer your question my languages of choice are JS + Elixir.
Before elixir I've tried python, ruby, go, r, javascript, haskell and c. Btw, I consider programming in haskell to be a good learning exercise for understanding advanced CS concepts.
So it seems your sarcastic rant completely misses the mark.
Disclaimer: not a haskell, nor a php programmer.