Unfortunately, the way I found him pretty much rules that out. I'm foregoing description to be kind to family and friends, but it wasn't something you accidently do. A couple minor things he did directly beforehand which would seem completely innocuous to everybody but me also gives me confidence in the conclusion.
A few years ago a very close friend of mine killed himself. Reading this today has brought up a lot of old feelings, and one new one; I feel like I really need to reach out and tell you that what you're going through and what you're about to go through will be very difficult, but you will come out the other side.
Suicide is one of those things that I don't think we can ever reconcile in our minds. I've never resolved the questions raised up by my friend's death, but I promise that you do learn to find a quiet place for the feelings that I'd imagine have you mentally turning in dizzy circles right now.
My thoughts are with you. If you'd like to talk please don't hesitate to get in touch.
Suicide is one of those things that I don't think we can ever reconcile in our minds. ... You do learn to find a quiet place for the feelings
I second this. A close friend killed herself 15 years ago, and I still think of her, probably at least once a month, and mourn her, and wonder what her life would be like if she were still alive. But that remembrance comes from a quiet place, certainly much quieter than in the months surrounding the event. It doesn't stop, but it does change.
I didn't realize until seeing this that you were the person who found him. Please don't be afraid to seek counselling if you have flashbacks / nightmares / difficulty sleeping / etc -- post-traumatic stress disorder is very commonly experienced by those who find suicide victims.
Maybe its just me, but there seems to be a stigma regarding the act of seeking counseling. However, people should seek counseling just as often as they would a general practitioner as the mind needs just as much care to stay healthy as does the body. In any case, it's immensely gratifying to have someone who you know will not feel burdened by your issues and can offer you guidance through a very troublesome period of life.
That sounds pretty traumatic and I am incredibly impressed that you have the wherewithal to handle the community relations part after that.
That said it is probably a good idea to really get to the bottom of your feelings about it once you get a little breathing room. I mean don't try to 'just push through' and bury yourself in work in order to suppress grief.
My God. I'm not going to parrot the "seek counselling" line because I don't think that is necessary.
What I would ask you to do though is to keep talking about it, as much as you can with people you trust. It'll help your healing. Whatever you do, share your feelings with someone.
