> Self-esteem, needless to say, was definitely not Aaron’s problem.
Probably the first comments I've seen about Aaron since his death that rang true to me as someone who'd interacted with him. :P :(
But sometimes the arrogance and self-importance is just a shield that hides something more fragile on the inside. After hearing about his suicide, I'd just taken that to be the case.
I respect Taren's perspective on this and applaud her for continuing to raise awareness for Aaron's cause, but I think it's difficult to believe that depression didn't play a part in this. And before someone says, "Well, who would know better than Taren"?...She herself said she was shocked by Aaron's suicide. So there were undoubtedly things that were hidden even from her.
I think it's perfectly reasonable to argue that depression wasn't the sole cause, for the reasons that Taren mentions and for the obvious fact that Aaron seemed to be managing fine since the well-known incident more than five years ago.
But it's also reasonable to argue that since Aaron had coped the past two years since the indictment, that the threat of prosecution alone couldn't have been the only trigger. What I get from Taren's essay is that Aaron was a fighter and by this point, was well-versed in the intellectual aspects of the law...why would fear and apprehension alone cause him to quit before the trial even started?
I think we just have to accept that the factors in his decision were myriad and complicated. Taren's post says that Aaron worked out every day until two weeks before his death, when he got the flu. Given what we know about exercise's impact on the brain and body, I think it's possible that the sickness, and the lack of activity, had a negative impact on his ability to cope. That, plus the events of the prosecution, plus any ongoing emotional problems, and any other factors we don't know about...this all together may have just been too much for him.
A few weeks ago, Taren gave an incredibly powerful eulogy for Aaron at the memorial service in NYC:
One of the revelations she made then was how Aaron shut her and others out of his life because he didn't want them to be entangled in the case:
For a long time we didn't talk about the case
very much. He wanted to protect me and he wanted to cordon
it off from the rest of his life. He was worried that I
would be subpoenaed, or that his other friends would be
subpoenaed, and so he kept it all to himself. He kept all
of the stress and the anger and the fear to himself.
We started talking more and more about it over
the last few months as it became clear that the government
was not going to recognize that this was just one big
mistake; that Steve Heymann, the prosecutor who was hell-
bent on destroying Aaron's life was not going to come to
terms with the notion that Aaron was not a threat, that
Aaron should not spend years behind bars, that Aaron
should not be labeled a felon for the rest of his life.
In December there was a hearing that I went to
with him -- the trial was delayed because another hearing
at this hearing -- the decision was made to delay the
trial until April. And afterwards I -- we came out of the
courtroom and I tried to give him a hug, and he pushed me
away. And he said, "Not in front of Steve Heymann. I
don't want to show Steve Heymann that."
Isolating oneself is an emotionally exhausting and painful state of being. Moreso, I imagine, if you're doing it out of anxiety from an impending prison sentence. And I think Taren is justified to attribute this kind of pain directly to the nature of the prosecution. But Aaron's mental state is still a factor in the tragedy, even if not the primary one.
If you read Aaron's blog, you'll see he posted about his illnesses back in 2007. From his account, it sounds like he suffered from burnout/CFS (chronic fatigue syndrome). I would suspect that his 'flu' 2 weeks before his death might have been a CFS/burnout episode. Severe depression can be a symptom, and suicide is usually the end-result if you don't know what's happening.
I know this because I suffered from burnout and CFS myself, and had severe depression, and I did quite a bit of research to figure out what was happening.
The bottom line is that people like Aaron and myself who have a high capacity for working incredibly hard also tend to suffer from burnout which can lead to CFS and severe depression. The mistake Aaron made is that you CANNOT push through it. The other mistake he made was hiding it from other people.
At least in his particular situation, committing suicide was not rational because they hadn't even gone to trial yet, and there was still a very reasonable chance that he could have escaped the charges.
If presented with several viable options, and a person chooses to end his life instead of pursuing those perfectly viable options, doesn't that mean he had some sort of mental issue? Whether it is depression or something else at that point is just splitting hairs, in my opinion. If he could have had access to some sort of mental health professional, maybe he could have gotten the treatment he deserved so that he remained alive.
