The sections will be:
Work
Escorting and sexuality
Drug and alcohol addiction
Family
Attention
What I want
The plan
WORK
I work as a software engineer. Well, I would, if I was able to hold a job for more than 6 months without the company getting tired of me. I'm good at what I do. My bosses love my output. I have open source projects and contributions. Even on my first programming job at a startup at 18, the CTO was shocked on my first day. Repeat that shock for every job. But the companies get tired of me because I have a reputation for coming in to work straight from nightclubs, drunk, drugged up, tired, needing to snort coke at work just to stay awake and productive.
ESCORTING AND SEXUALITY
As said above, I can't hold down permanent work. One nice thing I have going for me is that I'm a young, pretty good looking girl. I don't look my age. I look 15. Men love that. They get off on me being their little girl and them being my daddy who want to fuck their little hot teenage daughter. The sex is boring for me. I like girls. I went through a long period of not knowing if I'm straight, lesbian, or bisexual. I think I like men but only in the sense of having a "daddy". I have a real birth dad of course, but I want a "daddy" - that older guy who looks after me, loves me, helps me get through my early twenties, gives me advice. I suppose this is what people call "having daddy issues".
Escorting can go really wrong. Sometimes clients beat the shit out of their hookers. It's only happened to me once, thankfully. I got tied up in a dark room and beaten and whipped. On the positive side, getting beat up escorting builds character. It makes you really, really strong. I can take a ton of abuse from other people (but not in my own head).
DRUG AND ALCOHOL ADDICTION
It's debatable whether I'm a coke addict. I don't desperately need it, but I want to use it. Thanks to being a hooker, I get lots of easy and free access to cocaine. I use 2-3 times a week.
Alcohol is what will destory me. I used to be a teetotal, innocent, quiet, shy teen. Now I'm an alcoholic, confident, loud party-girl with an arrest record of "Drunk and Disorderly", "Drunk and Disorderly", "Drunk and Disorderly". I love vodka. I need vodka. I have two bottles in my fridge right now that I'm going to start pouring once I finish this letter. I'm having a quiet night in (been out 4 nights in a row now) so will drink myself to sleep.
FAMILY
They hate me for reasons I won't go into.
Shit, this is the hardest bit to write. I've been typing non-stop for 10 minutes and now I'm unsure what to say and hesitating.
My mum... she doesn't want me anymore. I know she doesn't, even if she says she loves me. She never shows appreciation to anybody for anything. My dad worked hard to provide for my sister and I (because my mum hasn't worked in decades, lazy bitch). My first memory of my dad was when he took me to a party that his workplace threw for the children. I was the shy one who was too scared to talk to anyone. He eventually dragged me out and into the car and shouted at me. I was a fucking disappointment, obviously not (yet) the outgoing loud confident child everyone would prefer. I wish they had just got a divorce instead of the constant arguing they've had since before I was born. I was desperate to move away from home because I couldn't take their arguing anymore. Now when people argue in public it still upsets me.
ATTENTION
It makes me happy. It didn't used to, because I was such an awkward kid and teenager. But now I fucking love being the center of the dance floor; the one up on the stage; the naked girl; the one guys talk to in clubs and pubs.
I was at a gangbang last night. I was there through an escorting contact. I was the first person to get naked and fuck. And then I just didn't put my clothes back on. Walking around nude and having the men look and me and wank at me was what I wanted -- attention. I wanted to fuck the other girl, though.
WHAT I WANT
A secure job. A better flat (my current place is a tiny studio). Not having to suck dick to afford things. Not having alcohol withdrawal symptoms after just 48 hours sober. A family.
THE PLAN
Obviously, because this is a suicide note, the plan is suicide. The question is "when" and "is there anything I want to do first?". Suicide has been the plan for as long as I can remember.
My first genuine suicide plan was two years ago. I was going to travel South East Asia, spend all my savings having fun and fucking hookers (haha, but I've become one! twist!!). And then die. That didn't get executed - instead I ran away to another place and just did nothing.
Like I said in the "Attention" section, I enjoy that and it makes me happy. So maybe I should just seek that out. I was reading a story earlier - http://longform.org/stories/little-girl-lost - go read it, it's good - and this story is about a girl who ran away to Los Angeles to seek out fame. She got the fame. She became one of the biggest porn stars of her era. Then she shot herself in the head at 2am.
If they can do it, why can't I? I could run away to LA, Hollywood, whatever. I'd have a go at trying. I would be homeless but I have enough saving to last a year. If it doesn't work out, I can end it all. Finally end it all. It would be a relief from my stress and problems and this suicidal voice in my head that's taunted me for my whole life - which is ironic because I wouldn't get to feel the relief, because I'd be dead.
There are two kinds of addiction: physical and psychological.
Pure physical addiction is easy to fix. You just reduce the dose slowly enough to keep the withdrawal symptoms manageable.
Psychological addiction is much harder. Psychological addiction is a bit of your brain screaming, "I know how to solve this problem. Go out and get drunk / wired / naked right now!" And it works -- you feel good for a while. The habit becomes so ingrained you don't even notice the triggers -- just the compulsion.
On a deeper level, you have other habits of thought -- automatic assumptions and emotional responses baked in from childhood. These are the cause of the distress that led you down the path of addiction.
There comes a point when these coping reflexes cause more distress than they alleviate. You're reaching that point now, and you recognize that you're tipping into a crisis. So now you have a real choice: plunge forward, or step back from the brink.
Perhaps the best thing for you to do is to find an environment devoid of all the triggers for your compulsions (no vodka bottles or horny sugar daddies) and someone who can help you examine what's compelling you. Maybe some kind of spiritual retreat? I've mentioned this before, but Cognitive Behavioral Therapy really is effective.
Whatever you do, don't give up on yourself. And don't go to LA -- that town already has more than enough crazy bitches.
I live and work in London, I lived on the streets for a while, I have a shit family (which I frequently regard as no family)... and ultimately, I have the same plan but constantly deferred as I also seem to have a qualitative view of life and an appreciation for the simple things... I've found peace enough that today is a day worth living and tomorrow worth waking up to. It's years since the bad stuff, there is light at the end of the tunnel.
I also am a programmer, have a startup (own company), and if you need to talk to someone who might comprehend, I'll do that. Won't try and talk you out of the plan, because it's my plan too... but there's a lot of reason not to execute the plan today, tomorrow. Take each day like that and you can get a lot from life.
Oh, and startups... I know mine doesn't watch the clock on employee hours, but then I'm busy coding Sunday evening. It's possible to find a stable job that helps you transition through the addictions into stability.
Yeah, it doesn't sound like your life is that horrible objectively, and could easily improve. It sounds sound objectively empty, and you could easily be depressed in addition to that, but "empty" isn't the worst thing in the world, and isn't permanent, unlike death.
Why not just contract (so the 6mo thing isn't a problem), and ramp down the coke/liquor. Other than that, it sounds like things will get better with time, just a few years. Also it sounds like you're in the UK or Europe; GTFO and move to the US or something.
Hollywood or LA is a bad idea; SF or NYC if you want to be a SW engineer (which will probably make you happier and more fulfilled than being Lindsay Lohan).
I didn't say cut it out -- just ramp down. Lower quantity, and do alcohol/coke in "boring" ways, like medicine, vs. associating them with fun stuff. Or, replace with somewhat less destructive drugs (alcohol abuse is way worse than coke, IMO, except that coke is illegal)
Do visa waiver for 3 months, and work for cash/informally, or as a contractor. I'm sure you can figure out a way to stay past that. (if a company really likes you, they could help) Or, Vancouver, BC is probably adequate. If you're otherwise going to kill yourself, I don't think pushing the limits on a visa is a big deal.
The other thing would be get into a US university. If you can't get into a top-tier school, go to an ok school in an interesting location (I'm not sure how they do foreign students, but even something like Foothill College in the Bay Area would get you near a bunch of startups).
I have survived clinical depression and drug abuse, including long term suicidal ideation, plans, and gestures. I will talk to you, if you want. Email in profile.
As a computer programmer, I know that you are solving so many logical problems day by day. Think of this situation as a code block or project. You know that in every second of every project, you can always start from scratch. And sometimes, starting from scratch is the best way to keep up with hard times. I hope you find a solution, and make it last a whole life.
Sounds like you need help, or help finding help? Suicide is not the answer. I don't know who your are or where you live, but if you need help just email me, you can find my email in my profile. I don't know exactly what I can do for you but I will try because I know this post is a call for help.
I need contract coding work at times. I can send that to you if interested? Also willing to help in any other way I can. I'm in US and can point you to people/places if you land here.
The sections will be: Work Escorting and sexuality Drug and alcohol addiction Family Attention What I want The plan
WORK
I work as a software engineer. Well, I would, if I was able to hold a job for more than 6 months without the company getting tired of me. I'm good at what I do. My bosses love my output. I have open source projects and contributions. Even on my first programming job at a startup at 18, the CTO was shocked on my first day. Repeat that shock for every job. But the companies get tired of me because I have a reputation for coming in to work straight from nightclubs, drunk, drugged up, tired, needing to snort coke at work just to stay awake and productive.
ESCORTING AND SEXUALITY
As said above, I can't hold down permanent work. One nice thing I have going for me is that I'm a young, pretty good looking girl. I don't look my age. I look 15. Men love that. They get off on me being their little girl and them being my daddy who want to fuck their little hot teenage daughter. The sex is boring for me. I like girls. I went through a long period of not knowing if I'm straight, lesbian, or bisexual. I think I like men but only in the sense of having a "daddy". I have a real birth dad of course, but I want a "daddy" - that older guy who looks after me, loves me, helps me get through my early twenties, gives me advice. I suppose this is what people call "having daddy issues".
Escorting can go really wrong. Sometimes clients beat the shit out of their hookers. It's only happened to me once, thankfully. I got tied up in a dark room and beaten and whipped. On the positive side, getting beat up escorting builds character. It makes you really, really strong. I can take a ton of abuse from other people (but not in my own head).
DRUG AND ALCOHOL ADDICTION
It's debatable whether I'm a coke addict. I don't desperately need it, but I want to use it. Thanks to being a hooker, I get lots of easy and free access to cocaine. I use 2-3 times a week.
Alcohol is what will destory me. I used to be a teetotal, innocent, quiet, shy teen. Now I'm an alcoholic, confident, loud party-girl with an arrest record of "Drunk and Disorderly", "Drunk and Disorderly", "Drunk and Disorderly". I love vodka. I need vodka. I have two bottles in my fridge right now that I'm going to start pouring once I finish this letter. I'm having a quiet night in (been out 4 nights in a row now) so will drink myself to sleep.
FAMILY
They hate me for reasons I won't go into.
Shit, this is the hardest bit to write. I've been typing non-stop for 10 minutes and now I'm unsure what to say and hesitating.
My mum... she doesn't want me anymore. I know she doesn't, even if she says she loves me. She never shows appreciation to anybody for anything. My dad worked hard to provide for my sister and I (because my mum hasn't worked in decades, lazy bitch). My first memory of my dad was when he took me to a party that his workplace threw for the children. I was the shy one who was too scared to talk to anyone. He eventually dragged me out and into the car and shouted at me. I was a fucking disappointment, obviously not (yet) the outgoing loud confident child everyone would prefer. I wish they had just got a divorce instead of the constant arguing they've had since before I was born. I was desperate to move away from home because I couldn't take their arguing anymore. Now when people argue in public it still upsets me.
ATTENTION
It makes me happy. It didn't used to, because I was such an awkward kid and teenager. But now I fucking love being the center of the dance floor; the one up on the stage; the naked girl; the one guys talk to in clubs and pubs.
I was at a gangbang last night. I was there through an escorting contact. I was the first person to get naked and fuck. And then I just didn't put my clothes back on. Walking around nude and having the men look and me and wank at me was what I wanted -- attention. I wanted to fuck the other girl, though.
WHAT I WANT
A secure job. A better flat (my current place is a tiny studio). Not having to suck dick to afford things. Not having alcohol withdrawal symptoms after just 48 hours sober. A family.
THE PLAN
Obviously, because this is a suicide note, the plan is suicide. The question is "when" and "is there anything I want to do first?". Suicide has been the plan for as long as I can remember.
My first genuine suicide plan was two years ago. I was going to travel South East Asia, spend all my savings having fun and fucking hookers (haha, but I've become one! twist!!). And then die. That didn't get executed - instead I ran away to another place and just did nothing.
Like I said in the "Attention" section, I enjoy that and it makes me happy. So maybe I should just seek that out. I was reading a story earlier - http://longform.org/stories/little-girl-lost - go read it, it's good - and this story is about a girl who ran away to Los Angeles to seek out fame. She got the fame. She became one of the biggest porn stars of her era. Then she shot herself in the head at 2am.
Another thing I read earlier - http://www.nytimes.com/2013/01/13/magazine/here-is-what-happ... - about Lindsay Lohan. She still gets acting gigs despite being a crazy bitch.
If they can do it, why can't I? I could run away to LA, Hollywood, whatever. I'd have a go at trying. I would be homeless but I have enough saving to last a year. If it doesn't work out, I can end it all. Finally end it all. It would be a relief from my stress and problems and this suicidal voice in my head that's taunted me for my whole life - which is ironic because I wouldn't get to feel the relief, because I'd be dead.