"When you're young, you feel like you should ignore it, because it seems so arbitrary."
Of course different people will ignore this intuitive feeling for different reasons, but I suspect that people rarely do so because it feels arbitrary. Usually people tolerate mean behaviour because there is an asymmetry of power in a relationship. When you need someone more than they need you, they can make harsh demands and treat you like dirt and you will still cooperate. If people refused to cooperate with assholes, or imposed a cost on assholish behaviour then it would stop or be reduced. The fact there are so many giant assholes walking around suggests that being an asshole works, at least sometimes.
I don't think there's anything magical about these instincts. If you observe someone treating another person badly, it's entirely reasonable to imagine that they will do the same to you.
Increase the rate at which reputation spreads between people.
This is actually one of the goals of YC. Historically investors have often behaved like assholes to founders. But if someone maltreats a YC startup, 300 people know about it. Most investors sense this and try to at least act upstanding.
I was talking to a YC founder recently who's working on a fairly fragile idea, in the sense that it's both good and easily copyable at this stage. He was worried that if he talked to VCs about it, they might encourage someone to copy it. I could honestly tell him "they wouldn't dare."
Break out the back of the envelope and calculate how much it would cost you to break all contacts with anuses. Is it worth it? Make sure people find out how you were treated.
A guy I respect much for his technical skills wanted to go in with me a very interesting and technically challenging project in vison / imaging. Even though I have always been on friendly terms with this person with good rapport, and actually enjoy talking tech stuff with him - I refused just because of the way I have seen him treat other people. There was lots of vindictiveness, a tendency toward feuding. I didn't want to risk being involved with that no matter how interesting the work.
if you must deal with aholes or if you are unsure if a person is an ahole keep the stakes low. don't be an ahole yourself, and of course, most people aren't aholes.
If no one worked for/hired them, it would raise the cost. Of course, you would have to tell them why you made the decision you did. I think a lot of assholes don't know that they are one. Jeez... I hope I'm not an asshole.
I think a lot of assholes actually try to create that power balance (or at least the illusion of that situation) in their relationships & make it inot a central issue in the relationship.
Of course different people will ignore this intuitive feeling for different reasons, but I suspect that people rarely do so because it feels arbitrary. Usually people tolerate mean behaviour because there is an asymmetry of power in a relationship. When you need someone more than they need you, they can make harsh demands and treat you like dirt and you will still cooperate. If people refused to cooperate with assholes, or imposed a cost on assholish behaviour then it would stop or be reduced. The fact there are so many giant assholes walking around suggests that being an asshole works, at least sometimes.
I don't think there's anything magical about these instincts. If you observe someone treating another person badly, it's entirely reasonable to imagine that they will do the same to you.