It was only when I had kids that I understood what this means.
My children are not "my purpose." I mean, that would be a lovely sentiment, but it's not the actual truth.
But having kids (and being a hopefully-good father), means that no matter what else sucks at work, all the projects that didn't land, my boss's daily kicks to the crotch, and every multi-million job opportunity I stupidly turned down... I did right with those kids. If I had made any different choice in life --no matter how tiny-- those wonderful kids would not exist. And that satisfies my sense of Purpose.
SO true. I am having a midlife sort of crisis myself (lost as a founder a bit) but my kids keep me going with a purpose. When you have kids, you don't have the luxury of not doing anything.
One is some grandiose ill-defined thing. The other is housework.
I am certainly in the housework side right now with two kids under 5.
I am a dad, but I still derive quite a lot of identity from what I do for work. If anything, now that I am meeting more parents from nursery & school etc it feels it is almost more important for me now to be able to implicitly assert status through my work/wealth/house-in-desireable-location/car/etc than it was before kids.
I assumed those sort of feelings would dissolve with kids ("Purpose") but if anything the kids have magnified them. Potentially I am just a shallow prick, but I wonder if it is a "provider instinct" thing or perhaps just mini dopamine hits from feeling like I've got something desirable and meeting these other parents just reasserts that over and over.
“Two kids under five” is a tough stage, though (I can’t believe I’ve reached the point where I can say that retrospectively). Things come into focus a little more once your longest conversations with them aren’t about why they actually do need to wear shoes to school. You get hit with those moments where you realize the long term impact you’re having on their personalities and worldviews, and what an awesome responsibility that is.
Not totally unlike—and I get that this is peak hn, but since we’re talking work—building something and then seeing it run in the real world and having to live with your design decisions over the long term, etc etc etc.
Thank you for this, I'm glad to hear you acknowledge that having kids isn't a constant philosophical bliss. I have two under 5 as well and don't relate to the dozens of comments gushing about their kids, wanting to spend more time with them. A few hours a day with my 4 year old is plenty (and most days, too much).
No, the act of raising a kid itself gives people purpose, so it's not a pyramid scheme by any means, but let's not let facts come in the way of a zinger of a one-liner I guess?
It is perhaps a pyramid scheme if you look at it in a certain way. Which doesn’t mean it is bad (unless you are anti-natalist). It’s just funny that it can be conceptualized like that.
You spend 20–40 years trying various things, living for yourself, finding nothing that sticks. Apparently being an idiot, but you’re just inexperienced. There’s some hole in your life. Then you have kids. Aha! It makes sense. Living for others! This is it! The irony being that now those people-you-live-for have to go through the same process, where 1/3 to half their life they spend in that apparently meaningless phase where they haven’t found their purpose yet.
This is totally void if you are the kind of person who cruised by and was happy without children but then the transition to having children made total sense as well.
it is, just like everything else, a manufactured purpose used to paper over the normal state of existential dread. just happens to be the one that most people default on.
NGL, still sounds like a pyramid scheme to me. I mean I like kids and I might have kids in the future. But I'd rather have purpose and joy and share that with future generations and keep it alive. I wanna be proud of humanity and what we are accomplishing and progressing into, not fix my own misery by bringing someone else into a world to distract me from existential dread.
I personally don't want to have a kid of my own blood. But I want to adopt one or two and maybe foster a few IF I become financially capable, which is probably a decade or so away.
I do believe that having a kid of your own in this day and age (esp. when you are working day job and depending on that job for healthcare, housing, etc.) is unfair for the kid who will join you in your life. Sure you'll love him/her, but the reality is the kid will have to grind (again, assuming that you are not a multi-millionaire) when s/he reaches certain age. The best use of our resources, when we accumulate a good amount of wealth to sustain ourselves and have a bit more extra to spare, is to adopt/foster or do something philanthropic entirely (so many homeless, sick, hungry people that you can help).
"The point" for me would not be spreading my genes. It would be to spread my parenting and resources.
Possibly an easier idea for me because several of my many siblings already have multiple children that could be swapped in to my childhood photos without anyone noticing. My genes are pretty well established.
What point does it defeat and why? I’m assuming that you’re talking about evolution here, where having your own kids rather than taking care of someone else’s have been adaptive, but that’s just like saying that the point of a large rock on a beach is to be so large as to not be swept into sea by the waves.
You can start by taking out the trash, and if you are going to sit on your arse all day tomorrow then here is a list of stuff that needs doing around the house.
