Elixir looks great. It reminds me of the functional and pseudofunctional programming languages I used at uni and their environments like Poplog.

I agree it's mind-expanding.

But I don't think most web development work is mind-expanding or a realistic application for it.

I also don't think using it to criticise PHP is really the right target. If you want to use a functional programming language/environment as a critique of modern web development... maybe start by targeting server-side JS.