Do you know why it will make the other person sad or angry? What do you do when they get upset? What emotional state are you bringing to the conversation? Do you respect their emotions or just get annoyed with them for being ‘irrational’ or not understanding you? Have you noticed patterns in their responses to different types of deliveries? How often do you ask questions in one on one conversations? How often do you apologize when the other person gets upset?

I’m not sure you’ll be able to find a book that will tell you what to say word for word but you might be able to learn a lot from studying your own interactions. I’d encourage you to ask open ended questions when someone doesn’t react the way you expect them to.

I try to keep in mind that everyone is a rational actor based on their values and world view. If someone seems irrational it means that I’ve misunderstood their values or some aspect of their understanding of the world. Trying to figure out where the disconnect is can often be a better use of time than just repeating myself or rephrasing my thoughts.

Check out some DBT skills. They go through interpersonal stuff like that from a basic level.

DEAR MAN is a good one.

Describe the current situation (if necessary). Stick to the facts. Tell the person exactly what you are reacting to.

Express your feelings and opinions about the situation. Don’t assume that the other person knows how you feel.

Assert yourself by asking for what you want or saying “No” clearly. Do not assume that others will figure out what you want. Remember that others cannot read your mind.

Reinforce (reward) the person ahead of time (so to speak) by explaining positive effects of getting what you want or need. If necessary, also clarify the negative consequences of not getting what you want or need.

Mindful keep your focus on your goals. Maintain your position. Don’t be distracted. Don’t get off the topic. Speak like a “Broken record.” Keep asking for what you want. Or say “No” and express your opinion over and over and over. Just keep replaying the same thing again and again. Ignore attacks. If the other person attacks, threatens, or tries to change the subject, ignore the threats, comments, or attempts to divert you. Do not respond to attacks. Ignore distractions. Just keep making your point.

Appear confident, effective, and competent. Use a confident voice tone and physical manner; make good eye contact. No stammering, whispering, staring at the floor, retreating.

Negotiate be willing to give to get. Offer and ask for other solutions to the problem. Reduce your request. Say no, but offer to do something else or to solve the problem another way. Focus on what will work.

I'm not sure it's exactly what you're looking for, but there is a book "How to win friends and influence people" by Dale Carnegie - despite it's cheesy title and being pretty old, it's still very good advice. Turns out, people nature don't change that much !

Although I agree with you every time I think of that book I'm reminded that Charles Manson read it in prison and it no doubt helped him is his later years.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/How_to_Win_Friends_and_Influen...

This is probably one of the best unintentional advertisements for the book’s effectiveness.

Seconded this book. Non-violent communication is another one. Also check out Healthy Gamer on YouTube.

"How to deceive friends and exploit people"

You’ll get much more out of a good therapist than a book.

A good therapist isn’t just there to help you work through past trauma or personal issues, they can also help with all your interpersonal interactions and relationships.

I dunno, the therapists I've been to (half a dozen or so of them) weren't anywhere as helpful as some of the books recommended in this thread (like How to Win Friends and Influence People or Nonviolent Communications).

They often tried to hyperfocus on whatever they saw as issues in my life, or else parrot and rephrase back to me what I told them, with very little in the way of concrete actionables.

The books were dramatically more helpful and totally changed my life.

Counterpoint: I've only been to two therapists (via word of mouth) and they were both far more helpful than HTWF&IP and NVC, even despite how highly awesome those books are, and everyone should read them repeatedly.

They asked me intelligent questions designed to help me come to my own conclusions through reasoning, and they provided me with actionable activities for growth.

Maybe I need better therapists, then! Wish there was a good way to identify the good ones... that goes for all healthcare, actually. It always seems like such a gamble.

It is. I think I lucked out because I found mine through recommended word of mouth. It's definitely a matter of personality fit, though.

My life has been pretty successful, and my mental health has generally been pretty good[1] in my adult years, but one therapist, in particular was super, super instrumental in getting me to both learn about myself and reframe things.

1. No depression or other significant disorders. Most I get these days is the blues.

Yep. Best analogy I’ve heard: it’s like stepping through your thought/emotional/behavior patterns with a debugger, but with a pro to help you spot the bugs.

Yes. Please go to therapy.

If you need help finding a therapist, PsychologyToday has a great search on their website.

I liked “Supercommunicators” by Charles Duhigg.

It’s not quite a word-by-word guide, but the examples are captivating and there’s practical advice on how to listen and ask better questions to create a connection.

One of the things he highlights is that a communication situation usually requires both small-scale experimentation and exposing some your own vulnerabilities to discover what might be relevant to the other person in that conversation. That means there’s inherently an element of risk-taking: you can’t stick to a single safe formula each time and expect to connect.

> I know that what I will say (because of the way I will say it) will be delivered badly and probably make the person sad/angry, but I cannot find a way of fixing the words I use!

Before you say anything, ask yourself:

1) Does this need to be said?

2) Does this need to be said by me?

3) Does this need to be said by me, now?

Not a golden way of improving your EQ, but Impro by Keith Johnstone was illuminating to me (specifically the chapter on Status). If you feel you struggle with understanding how to communicate I can't recommend it enough.

https://www.amazon.com/Impro-Improvisation-Theatre-Keith-Joh...

I always try to put myself in the other person’s shoes.

It sounds like you attempt this, you know it won’t go over well, but you say it anyway. Why are you saying things you know to be hurtful, when activity trying to not do that? Is it an impulse control issue, or is the feedback required, you just don’t know how to soften the blow?

The more cringe you can bear the faster you can improve.

Record yourself saying stuff and play it back to yourself, and then imagine saying it in a normal conversation. Does it mesh with the context, does it seem fitting. Is your vocal tone or cadence upsetting or reassuring? Compare it with the way known charismatic/comforting people speak.

Generally emotional intelligence is putting yourself in other people's heads and understanding the way they'll react to circumstances and the things you say and do. It's also understanding that people vary, and mental states vary, so the way you approach any interaction has to factor these things in.

Not a book, no.

What I had to do was, there was a guy who was mentoring me. He had me write down in a notebook every single time I screwed up in how I interacted with someone. We got together every couple of weeks and talked through my list.

This is better than a book, because I got to walk through situations I had been in, and kind of "replay" them, and see what I could do differently. It hit what I needed, not what some book author thought I needed. And I could relate to the things we discussed, every single one of them, because they were real situations to me.

Note that this is critically dependent on the quality of the mentor, though...

I sometimes feel that way as well, feel misunderstood and hence people become sad or upset.

I think it is not really emotional intelligence that you need or should be looking for. It feels like the problem/solution is more, how to connect more deeply with people. For that to happen, you need to communicate a lot (especially active listening) and feel/show empathy. Once there is this deeper connection, people trust you more and will be more open to explain their feelings.

Easier said than done but practice makes (almost) perfect.

It's difficult to see what you actually want.

If your looking to understand people better, their aspirations, desires, reasons, I would recommend reading fiction, complex or realist/naturalist fiction in particular.

Otherwise, you might look at conflict resolution books which often have step-by-step examples and suggestions.

Also I would not be super hard on yourself. A lot of this simply comes from practice and trial and error of actually interacting with people. You can read all you want, but putting it into practice is different.

I recently did some searched for 'life coaches' to try to find one to hire for someone..

Trying to recall all the things I've learned from experiences and from random snippets in books / magazines..

I want to teach others (or at least one other for sure) how to read other people's faces, expressions.. notice how they turn their shoes (towards you for more engagement, turning away, wanting to leave) - think I read that in a time life mini book years ago..

doing a DDG search for "teach people on spectrum about reading people" brings up too much 'learn reading text' results.

Did just find https://www.scienceofpeople.com/how-to-read-people/

so I'll be using that resource.

Interested in what others suggest.

Like we need to create a monthly 'cotillion for adults' club / events / coaching series whatever.. I think there is huge demand.

(https://www.cotillion.com/jdw/curriculum

I think knowing your emotions with depth — check out a feelings wheel. I would also check out NVC needs — positive and negative emotions related to needs being met or not, respectively.

From there, you have the superpower of being able to begin to understand what’s going on with yourself more deeply and then others, too; with a lot more clarity than the average bear.

I've read this a few times, it's very good:

https://www.amazon.com/HBRs-Must-Reads-Emotional-Intelligenc...

If you're leading teams (or even not tbh), Patrick Lencioni and John C Maxwell, both have lots of good stuff to say about EI and teams/work, I won't point you to any particular book of theirs just look at their stuff and see what sticks out. I've read all the books both of them have written and enjoyed them all.

FWIW: It's not easy stuff, so don't worry too much, there are lots of people with PhDs just on this topic, there is a lot to learn and it can be overwhelming, at least it was/is for me, and I worried about it a lot, so don't worry too much. :) Good luck!

I think a defintion of EQ is helpful:

Emotional intelligence (EI) is defined as the ability to perceive, use, understand, manage, and handle emotions. People with high emotional intelligence can recognize their own emotions and those of others, use emotional information to guide thinking and behavior, discern between different feelings and label them appropriately, and adjust emotions to adapt to environments.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Emotional_intelligence

See the Non-Violent Communication books.

They also have classes all over. Check their website.

I wouldn't recommend reading more books, psychology, theories or how to step guides. I've been in your shoes, good awareness but still offending or rubbing people the wrong way despite genuinely not intending to. I recommend a more experiential approach, which would obviously make more sense for something like our emotions. To be mentally capable one has to think more, to be emotionally capable one has to feel more. Therefore, I recommend meditation that is focused more on introspection, self-realisation. These processes will help you empathize more deeply with yourself, understand yourself deeply (much more deeply than merely in an intellectual manner) and then apply that to others. This way the dynamics between yourself and yourself, yourself and family, and finally yourself and others in the wider community will be clearer. The dynamics will then naturally resolve themselves over time. Good luck :)

And I'd also like to add that psychological hacks and tricks, from books like "Never Split The Difference" and "How to Win Friends and Influence People" don't really work in an effective way. The best way to navigate relationships is naturally, in the moment with no playbook in your mind. It all comes naturally once one is relaxed, but getting to that relaxed state is the challenge, especially if one has spent one's life doing the opposite by being constantly in their mind.

I think some debate techniques might help.

A lot of guides break down into steps about where the opponent is coming from, why they are saying it. It also leads one into anticipating your opponents next move and knowing who your audience is.

This can help you understand why they may respond a certain way.

Make sure what you are saying adds value and doesn’t just make noise.

Also pairing reflective listening can help understand someone and increase EQ

For me, framing a conversation as a debate emphasizes the differences of viewpoint that are most likely to cause friction between people. It’s far easier to build from common ground. People can tell when you are treating them like an opponent.

My advice is to marry someone with much higher emotional intelligence than you have. This is what I did and I’ve learned a lot.

There's a lot of good input, but equally or more bad input, on this subject.

I think Jeb Blount's book is one of the good ones: https://jebblount.com/product/sales-eq/

It's definitely coming from a sales perspective, but that shouldn't hurt.

Others here have already made good suggestions for books that focus more specifically on communication...which is what you were asking about. I wanted to share a book suggestion I found helpful regarding emotional intelligence (or emotional maturity) in general. The School of Life

If you have spare time, get a barista job on the weekends. The physical activity will relax you and you'll get lots of practice talking to people. Books are mostly bullshit - you can read 100 and not be any further ahead. Talking to people is a hands on skill just like coding. Practice > all.

I don't know if this will work for you, but I've found exercise and using the sauna give me a nice temporary boost in EQ. This makes a big difference for me, enough that it's my go to strategy

There is no such thing as emotional intelligence. What people mean when they use this term is "be nice to me, I am a snowflake"

Listen to your emotions. Don’t attach a word to what you are feeling immediately. Process.

Once you’ve processes, ask yourself if your body language reflects what you desire.

Then try to form words.

Naturally I have a very good sense of people (like mirror neurons stuff). At the same time half the time i feel myself very awkward in communication, half the time - extremely well.

From that and some other observations during life I conclude that "emotional intelligence" is one of those journalist pseudo-science memes (like "10k hours of work" idea et.) made up to make some extra money.

On practical side - unless it is a serious issue causing extreme problems (like mental disorder) - you shouldn't bother about it.

There will always be some who don't like, misunderstand, don't appreciate what and how you say. And there will always be the opposite, and everyone in between. Regardless of the amount of books you read.

I recommend therapy and maybe some of these books will be helpful.

- Non violent communication - Diffcult conversations

I second non-violent communication and the dale Carnegie one. I wish I could live by them.

How to win friends and influence people is a common book I see in comments and second that

Besides books: ecstasy gave me the real experience being more empathy to other people.

I'd love to see what books people come up with.

Another component is practice. Talk to lots of people. Get a job at Starbucks if you are really committed. Or go to toastmasters. Join any club that has lots of conversation.

Observation is also good. Watch people around you, and see how they speak.

Do not look to fiction, as someone else suggested. Almost all fiction these days is conflict oriented. The examples in fiction are almost always "what not to do", you'll learn to be an insufferable stalker.

There are also dozens of books on communication. Read a few.

I would second not looking at fiction. So much of the cultural morés around relationships come from what we see in media and so much of it is just wrong and designed to create excitement through dramatisation and negative archetypes. We subconsciously imitate these archetypes and then we're surprised that conflict occurs in real life too. Find people in real life who you respect deeply and try and see what they're doing instead.

Also, exposure therapy, which is essentially what you recommended by saying go to Starbucks, Toastmaster etc, doesn't really work at a fundamental level either. I've done this deeply but didn't really get anywhere for many years. The real problem that creates lack of emotional understanding is our upbringing and how our parents raised us. One can force themselves into social situations for decades and still be anxious or lack empathy and this is simply because how we were raised in the first several years of our lives reverberates into the rest of our life unless awareness is brought into these dynamics.

Read a lot of classic books like Balzac, Moliere, Dostoevsky, Tolstoy ...

I would say you’ve taken the first step :)

I can't recommend "How to Know A Person" by David Brooks enough.

It's for us introverted nerds, by a fellow introverted nerd. A manual on how to become unblocked.

For a broad overview, though, the secret sauce is to learn to listen to people closely and make them feel heard. I think 90% of the battle is learning how to deeply listen and showing that you are indeed listening closely.

Again, everyone should get this book. Completely clear, no nonsense, actionable advice.

Read more good fiction.

Look up "Peterson emotional intelligence" on YouTube to explore a slightly different take on emotional intelligence.

Jordan Peterson argues that EQ doesn't exist, and you can explore your personality with the Big 5 (mostly agreeableness).

I suggest also looking into "Nonviolent Communication by Marshall Rosenberg" as it closely matches the issue you described.

EQ isn't rigidly defined, Peterson has been right on that metric, but I think to say it doesn't exist (or to equate it agreeableness) isn't right either. IMO, someone with poor EQ probably also demonstrates poor theory of mind (and I personally put Peterson in this camp).

High EQ, as a skill, is mostly charisma, and can be learned. Dale Carnegie is a good first step, but it also has to be practiced with other people (which is also why I find it hard to develop - you can practice math equations in solitude, but you it's very hard to practice charisma).

I wouldn't take advice from Peterson on agreeableness or emotional intelligence, he seems pretty unfriendly.

I watched his video and personally feel emotional intelligence is often used as a proxy of communication skills in general with agreeable motifs when needed

I feel there’s a strong skill aspect to it as the very emotionally intelligent people I came across had a lot of communication experience

If you know the issue, you need to work on yourself. If you make others feel bad and you are aware of it, this looks like narcissism to me.

Get a therapist and work with them on whatever you want to improve.

First let's address the framing of your question. You asked about emotional intelligence. Theories of multiple intelligences are not universally accepted or well replicated findings in psychometrics.

You should expect that generally intelligent people will also be good at dealing with people. The idea that smart people are often lopsided or lack "people skills" is not supported by psychometric data.

The next thing to understand is that most people do not want to engage with reality any more than they absolutely have to. Most people, most of the time, are choosing what they say in order to positively manipulate someone's emotional state and cultivate a stronger relationship. People care more about being happy than the truth.

The HN community is a bubble of radical truth seeking. This is objectively useful in most professional contexts. Part of the "culture fit" test at a high performing company will be a check for blunt honesty and truth seeking. No "yes men".

But it's not the way to win the social game that you will play in most interactions throughout your life, and you just have to accept that. You are not optimizing for giving someone an uncomfortable truth, you are optimizing for making them happy. Making them like the way they feel when you are around.

Very well said!

"Emotional Intelligence" is just a marketing term for awareness of other people's emotional needs/thoughts/behaviour/etc. and modulating one's interactions accordingly.

The trick is to do it effectively without allowing oneself to be manipulated/becoming a doormat/hurting the other person's ego.

The books Crucial Conversations and Crucial Confrontations by Kerry Patterson et al. are useful in this regard.

Correct. It's really understanding that people are fundamentally different and span the spectrum. E.g. To some people feelings matter more than truth, to others it's sorta reversed, and all spectrums in between. Most importantly, you need to understand yourself and how you tend to come across. We all have things we find easy to do (gives us energy) and things that drain us. And its different for everybody. If i had to boil emotional intelligence down to 1 pithy aphorism, it would be this. "Ditch the golden rule". Don't treat others as you wish to be treated. Treat others as they wish to be treated.

Right. One key thing to keep in mind is that we all have an intrinsic nature/personality and no amount of study/training can change this at a fundamental level. Thus we need to be very aware of our strengths and weaknesses, take into account environment/circumstances and act accordingly.

>The HN community is a bubble of radical truth seeking.

To think some call us an echo chamber.

I'm concerned that this comment and a sibling are interpreting what I said to mean "HN users know the truth and other people haven't caught up yet". That's not what I mean.

On a continuum with preferring the truth on one end, and preferring good vibes on the other: communities like HN and Less Wrong are very far on the preferring the truth end. Much more so than the general population, which prefers good vibes. I called this difference "radical", and I think that's apt.

You can see this in practice. Someone forcing an unpleasant truth on someone else is much more acceptable on HN, than in cocktail party conversation, or in the line at the grocery store, or even on reddit.

It's a statement about the kind of discussion that is welcomed/encouraged, not the beliefs of the median HN user.

I understood what you meant in your original comment and mostly agree.

The sentence in isolation was too funny to pass up though. To your credit, you never said there was any guarantee HN would arrive at the truth.

Truth bears repeating

… repeatedly in a chamber is just a circumstance.

Help, I’m trapped in an echo factory factory