In 2017, I was burnt out and at the end of my rope. All I wanted was to quit and run away and consider a change in careers, much like you. Without any backup plan, I quit my very lucrative job. Thankfully, my partner was okay with my decision. I was expecting to feel dread and constant anxiety that I wasn't providing for my family. Yet, once I walked out of that building, the opposite was true. I couldn't feel more relieved.
I took a few months off, which, I know, is a luxury that not many can afford. During this time, I took stock of what was important to me. Did I still love programming? And, was programming the thing that made me unhappy?
What I realized is that I didn't want to feel like a tiny cog in a giant machine, and I didn't want to work on something that wasn't in some way beneficial to others. I needed to feel like I was making a difference and not just burning my life away on something disposable for lots of cash.
I was lucky enough to find a contract with a healthcare startup where I'd be working on technology that would improve the real lives of actual people, not just another piece of software that would be discarded two years down the road. Eventually, they offered me a full-time position, and I joined as employee #9.
Am I happy now? Well, I'm happier than before. But more importantly, I feel that now I can attain happiness.
Your post has a lot I agree with, I like that you actually acknowledge the privilege of taking time off you exercised. I don't begrudge people who can do it as long as they don't prescribe it to others.
I wish I could find a path towards what you have achieved but I have been so thoroughly discouraged from pursuing my career that it is emotionally painful to look at jobs.
How did you find the contract? Networking? Job sites? Did you discuss your burnout with the employer or did you feel things were more manageable by then?
I did not discuss my burnout with my previous employer since the corporation's internal structure led to my fierce desire to leave. It was a toxic place, and I felt like it robbed me of my will to carry on my day-to-day life.
I did discuss my burnout with my new employer and joined as a contractor in fear that the thought of being "tied down" by a W2 position would once again make me feel hopeless and trapped. They understood, and I initially only took on a few hours per week. Once I felt more comfortable with the workload and the company's culture, I increased the hours and eventually accepted their offer.
The contract itself found me when a past colleague of mine learned that I had quit. So, yeah, I must admit that my situation includes the privileges of an extensive network formed by a long career and a financial cushion that I used while mentally recovering.
I hope you can climb out of this hole that you're in. Speaking to the right therapist also helped me make sense of my options. Understanding that I wasn't stuck with my lot and had a choice in my destiny was the first pinprick of light in the darkness.
> So, yeah, I must admit that my situation includes the privileges of an extensive network formed by a long career
You should give yourself some credit for the effort it takes to do this.
> Understanding that I wasn't stuck with my lot and had a choice in my destiny was the first pinprick of light in the darkness.
This is one of the things I struggle most with. At times I feel like people can't see me and I don't really exist. Social / communication struggles keeps me isolated because I struggle to explain / ask for the help I need.
I have stopped asking for help because I'm so discouraged that either people will say no (why are you asking for help / do it yourself / you don't need help), or they will suggest unhelpful things that are gratifying for them to say (it worked for me / I'm so great so this will work / heres what you NEED to do ) but unrealistic / not applicable to me.
I gained a lot of clarity when I differentiated "programming" from "shipping code". I still enjoy the former, but the latter is becoming harder and harder to do at large corporations.
I took a few months off, which, I know, is a luxury that not many can afford. During this time, I took stock of what was important to me. Did I still love programming? And, was programming the thing that made me unhappy?
What I realized is that I didn't want to feel like a tiny cog in a giant machine, and I didn't want to work on something that wasn't in some way beneficial to others. I needed to feel like I was making a difference and not just burning my life away on something disposable for lots of cash.
I was lucky enough to find a contract with a healthcare startup where I'd be working on technology that would improve the real lives of actual people, not just another piece of software that would be discarded two years down the road. Eventually, they offered me a full-time position, and I joined as employee #9.
Am I happy now? Well, I'm happier than before. But more importantly, I feel that now I can attain happiness.