Just showing up is something that has definitely gone out of fashion. I have family I barely see because meeting up requires advanced notice. Even then it feels like an inconvenience, hence, other than weddings and funerals, I don't bother.

Even phone calls need advanced notice these days

I personally have an arrangement with some friends: they can call me or pop over any time… but they have to accept I might be busy, and vice versa. So far it has worked because we’re all too lazy to be doing anything other than hanging out.

What do you think causes this?

A few theories: We prioritize unimportant stuff over people. Examples: going to the gym, grocery shopping

Too much ceremony around the actual meeting. Your place gotta be tidy, you gotta be a good host etc. I have neighbors I really like who moved in ~6-8 months ago. We had them over twice and visited their place once. Each time each party made a huge effort. My wife made us clean our place for the better part of the day and every time we visited someone clearly had spent hours cooking and prepping stuff. Nobody wants to do this all the time. I even brought this up explicitly that we all gotta chill the f out about being super hosts. Everyone nodded and I am sure whoever hosts next time won't put much less work in.

Cultural change. I don't even know how to get to the place where I would just walk to my neighbor to "hang out". It feels like everything these days needs to have a reason and a plan. And this is in the rare case where you actually could walk over and don't have to drive 20 minutes to find out your friends took their kid to swim class.

My observation is that this used to be much easier because someone was usually home, typically a wife who did not work. Now everything is planned to the last minute because everyone is focused first on working, with family and friends getting the leftover time.

I wonder if another aspect of both partners working is that it pushes chores into the weekend and after work. When I was a kid my mom would go shopping during weekday mornings. I go shopping during a weekday evening or on the weekend. Same for other house chores. If someone showed up suddenly, chances are we aren't home or furniture is up because the Roomba is running.

I had an experience last year that hit me really hard and drove that point home: Due to an emergency I had to travel to the area I grew up in. I arrived at a hotel where I was expecting to wait for my family to arrive. A friend I went to highschool with and have zoom call with about twice a year texted me that he and his girlfriend are having dinner at a nearby restaurant. I just walked over in ten minutes and now was having dinner with my friends. No car, no planning, nothing! Unfathomable! It usually would take a week's heads up and a drive for me to do anything like this with any of my friends. It hit me so hard how much I miss this kind of thing. If I don't make plans in my everyday life it means my wife and I will likely be sitting around at home or maybe go out for dinner. Makes new think about moving, but all my friends are really spread out. Everytime there is a little bit of a group someone moves. It's also never walkable

That‘s me but evermore so I‘m stuck between a rock and a hard place.

As one sibling comment - I too have noticed this: I can remember friends of my parents showing by having a good time completely spontaneously. I liked it very much.

On the other hand I’m one of those people who get irrationally upset by random visits especially when it’s from family.

I guess that’s one reason why it’s so hard for me to be happy.

The getting upset part is interesting. I have some theories, but am curious to hear why you think it makes you upset.

I really find it hard to pinpoint the exact reason. In the moment the "surprise" is what feels overwhelming. I know it's paradox because on the other hand, that's what the interaction my parents and their friends had were - little surprises.

It feels a bit like wanting a surprise gift for Christmas (contrary to something you wished to get) but then being upset because you did not get what you wished for...

I would love, to hear your theories maybe this willhelp explore that feeling a bit more

My theory is that we have so much entertainment and so many low-importance chores and tasks we put on ourselves that any unplanned event feels negative. One might have planned to go shopping, watch the latest episode of a show, read an article or watch a video that one stumbled over earlier in the day or similar. There is just no more idle or unplanned time. In the rare case that time is unplanned, it feels precious, although we did this to ourselves.

I recently started to only allow myself to watch tv on Friday evenings. I've also made a much stronger effort to limit social media consumption. I feel a lot less stressed and I think it's because there suddenly is no default way of filling time. Not only do I spend more time on things I actually value (musical instrument practice, reading books and working on my software projects), but I also think that I am much more often in a state where I'd be delighted, rather than stressed if friends or family suddenly stopped by. Unfortunately, I think this theory will never be put to the test. I am more excited though when friends message me.

100% this, I miss it so much.

Everything having to be scheduled is so depressing and stressful to me. I wish we could go back, but we can't.

Well…why can’t we? What is the mechanism driving this?

It seems to me that social media, increased ease of communication, etc, should enable spontaneity, because now you can at least confirm that someone is home as you drive over.

I think two things contribute to this situation:

1) Social media enables us to not lose track of people from past lives or who live far away. Before social media, you had to make friends IRL or you didn’t make friends. Now, most of my friends don’t even live in my city or even time zone.

2) We all work more. Everyone does. I don’t have any data to back that up, but my best estimation is that, while literal working hours have stayed roughly the same in light of increased productivity, we’re all so available all the time that we are kind of always working.

I’ve attempted to remedy both lately, and it’s tough. I’ve had to establish extremely firm (and I think totally sensible) boundaries with work and yet I constantly feel like I’m just barely reinforcing them. It’s mostly worked, though, and I’m not sure what to do with the extra time, seeing as everyone else I know is in the same “always working” mode.

I wonder if the connectedness makes it easier to avoid actual connection. Because of fast & easy texting, I can always check in before showing up or calling. It's much easier to stay in that medium than escalate to a higher throughput medium. I just texted with a friend for 30 minutes. We should have just called!

Once you are coordinating things, it's easy to overthink and make things too complicated or cumbersome. Also, "Oh I am meeting John, maybe if I do that I also should invite Peter. But I haven't talked to Peter in a while and it's awkward to ask to meet in 30 minutes. But we've always all met together... Maybe I just text Peter to see how he is doing and we all meet another time. Maybe it's best if I organize a little spring party in my backyard next month...". If I was on the phone with John and would have to call Peter instead of everyone just texting, I might not even have time to overthink everything.

few randoms thoughts on this. yeah but if everyones friends don't live close by then everyone is always out visitng far away friends. we're forever stuck in the cycle.

also it's way easier to say no to someone online, (as people are lazy and don't feel like going out right now) vs a friend showing up and being like lets go do this fun thing #insert peer pressure here#.

also clear work life boundaries are super important. i treat work as if i were in the office, once i leave i ain't checking it until i start againt tomorrow. also no slack or email on my personal devices, eww.

We have some rather close friends who live nearby and had a spontaneous dinner with them more than once. It's refreshing and fun when done in moderation.