Interesting idea. It took me a moment to realize the incentive here (note: I didn't care enough up front to read the text as there's "a lot" of it) -- perhaps the idea of offering something special should be made more visible. Maybe you could break it down as simply as possible. Something like:
Provide a special incentive/offer and receive your first customer!
Why should YOU be my first customer? Because of this special offer...!
Partially agree, less text is [almost] always better. Pay more attention to customer side. Use sharp expressions avoiding classic ones.
By classic, i imply expressions like "Special offer". They seem unappealing and remind of spam. Never tell people to do something (like "you should"). It is irritating for customers (Personally, I hate it).
[Update] Forgot to write, i think you really should work on the design.
Provide a special incentive/offer and receive your first customer!
Why should YOU be my first customer? Because of this special offer...!