Honestly it was similar for me. I'm not sure if this is related to what you are saying but partly for me the suicidal and fearful thoughts were just from considering how incredibly intense the trip was. The emotions and anxiety and just general rawness of nature felt so clear on the trip that it gave me some kind of PTSD and flashbacks that lasted afterwards, to the point where whenever I thought back to the trip I would crave death instead, and these intrusive thoughts were getting more and more frequent to the point of daily. I remember having many thoughts were I was so scared of even the thought of tripping that I would immediately start to obsess over the idea of being dead instead.
I knew that wasn't ok at all so I ended up going back on my old SSRIs which, unsurprisingly, massively turned down the intensity knob on everything and brought me back to reality.
I think I struggled with the aftermath for about 6 months. At first I thought my anxiety was cured by the trip, but about 2 or 3 months after I started losing touch with reality. I am better now (due entirely to SSRIs) but still struggling with the generalized anxiety disorder I have grappled with for my life so far
Consider reading this book to deal with your trauma.[1]
It talks about how trauma is stored in the body but also offers a few approaches to healing at the end.
Damn. I think you've got it worse than I ever did.
I politely ask you to do two things, if you haven't already.
First is to have someone, something in your life that keeps you accountable. Self-reporting is unreliable. My most recent example: I was on bupropion last year. I literally felt no different with or without. But it was harming me. My only clue was my activity monitor. (Apple Watch FTW.)
Second, never accept "No" or "idk", tenaciously seek the answers you need. Someone, somewhere has some of the missing puzzle pieces you need. Doctors (et al) are not omniscient and if they've not seen cases like you before, they couldn't possibly have those answers.
I am sure I have overstated the risk, or maybe that is just my anxiety talking. I never had any actual plans to hurt myself, just overwhelming fear and dread to the point I wished it would end by any means.
I knew that wasn't ok at all so I ended up going back on my old SSRIs which, unsurprisingly, massively turned down the intensity knob on everything and brought me back to reality.
I think I struggled with the aftermath for about 6 months. At first I thought my anxiety was cured by the trip, but about 2 or 3 months after I started losing touch with reality. I am better now (due entirely to SSRIs) but still struggling with the generalized anxiety disorder I have grappled with for my life so far