This is a very timely article for me. I just ended a romantic relationship due to, in my perspective, a failure of communication in our disagreements.
I had generally thought of myself as someone who was able to communicate clearly, in recognition of whatever emotion triggered a disagreement but without letting that emotion color the discussion. To at least to keep it in check while discussing our needs. But I consistently failed with my partner, and I found it so incredibly frustrating. I got more exasperated and upset in our conversations than I ever been, and it spiraled out of control.
I had been seeing a therapist, and he instructed me briefly in NVC, and I suddenly saw that I had been unable to say things without inherently assigning blame. I felt cowed.
But the thing is, my partner had always reacted negatively to my calm approach to the disagreements. I had gone so far as to demand her to get on my level (which I acknowledge was an over-the-top condescending statement) to which she rejected as being sanctimonious. It was more than just that statement that she was rejecting, though.
And now, I can't help but feel that NVC would be just another crutch to approaching difficult conversations, and possibly even counter to my goals. My synthesis of these experiences is that I am practically blind to my emotions, and I am only barely better at recognizing motivations and emotions in others. Once I've built up the ability to recognize what the hell is going on, then I have to figure out what to say. It's all about the audience.
I had generally thought of myself as someone who was able to communicate clearly, in recognition of whatever emotion triggered a disagreement but without letting that emotion color the discussion. To at least to keep it in check while discussing our needs. But I consistently failed with my partner, and I found it so incredibly frustrating. I got more exasperated and upset in our conversations than I ever been, and it spiraled out of control.
I had been seeing a therapist, and he instructed me briefly in NVC, and I suddenly saw that I had been unable to say things without inherently assigning blame. I felt cowed.
But the thing is, my partner had always reacted negatively to my calm approach to the disagreements. I had gone so far as to demand her to get on my level (which I acknowledge was an over-the-top condescending statement) to which she rejected as being sanctimonious. It was more than just that statement that she was rejecting, though.
And now, I can't help but feel that NVC would be just another crutch to approaching difficult conversations, and possibly even counter to my goals. My synthesis of these experiences is that I am practically blind to my emotions, and I am only barely better at recognizing motivations and emotions in others. Once I've built up the ability to recognize what the hell is going on, then I have to figure out what to say. It's all about the audience.