Have you seen the movie "Shawshank Redemption"? It makes an interesting point about becoming institutionalized. There was an inmate that was released after ~50 years,he committed suicide because he couldn't adopt to living outside of the prison system.
What they call the loneliness epidemic these days is a bit like that. In fact,I would say loneliness is social imprisonment. For one reason or the other individuals end up lacking the skills needed to develop meaningful social relationships,the opportunities are there but the skills are lacking.
Much like becoming institutionalized, prolonged loneliness becomes a dependency in itself. At first you try everything you can to escape from the prison,then you learn to tolerate it,then you can't function outside of it.
I said all this to make one important point: For most people who experience prolonged loneliness,It's not lack of solutions or opportunities that keeps them lonely.
Not just in the US or the west but for all people,the importance of teaching children proper social skills needs to be communicated much like communicating the importance of good nutrition and hygeine has reduced preventable diseases throught the world.
For adults,I honestly don't know of any solution other than to continue creating opportunities for social interactions. It takes a lot of time,patience and practice to learn to make more friends and socialize once you settle down as a working adult.
This is very true and I see it even in myself. I used to have several friends where I live and they subsequently all moved away. Now I have no real friends here and the work required to get more seems to require a huge activation energy to get over. Sure I could go out and have random conversations with people or join clubs, but very few of those are going to result in anything interesting; of those, a few may result in an acquaintance; of those, a few may progress to a friendship; of those, a few may progress to a meaningful friendship. So I could bang my head against the wall generating unhappiness and frustration for years with no guarantee of success at any point, or I could just chill in my room, smoke some weed, and read hacker news / watch Netflix / play games and be guaranteed some base level of immediate happiness. That's a very hard feedback loop to exit once you get started.
I'm willing to put in a lot of work and have had great success at things where there is a clear goal and highly probable success if I put in the work: weight loss, fitness, studying, career changes, financial management, running a business etc. Relationships are so irritating to me because acquisition is a probabilistic, even random process which seems to have a very low success rate. I'm not fundamentally sold on the idea that it's worth the effort.
Are you in a rural area? I've noticed that myself here. Granted, I left for university, which destroyed a lot of the connections I did have, but even with the ones still here, the different life experience has made it where it's odd to hang out with them.
Thankfully some of my friends did move back after going to school, so there are a few people here that I can hang out with, though I do feel like I hound them to do stuff/hang out at times. But, I also moved a half-hour away to a town where there's stuff to do, and I just have to actually take up a new hobby to meet interesting people.
Though that still doesn't change the fact that it's difficult to make long-term, deep friendships from things like that.
Really, I just say that I understand completely where you're coming from, and completely agree.
Also, I just kinda realized that this is also similar to the plot of the movie I Love You, Man, where Rudd's character realizes he doesn't have any deep male friends.
Have/had a similar issue. Many of the good friends I made in this city over the past years have moved, specifically to the more popular ones in Canada. Trying to rebuild that circle hasn’t worked out. I either run into acquisition problems like you or the relationships that do turn into something more end up ending due to them leaving the city as well.
At this point I’ve resigned to believing that the types of people I attract don’t want to stay here, and maybe I should just follow the herd.
Very interesting. I wonder if the shift of placing babies in daycare is a factor.
A Dad or Mom will want to interact with a baby. In a daycare situation it's their job to interact with the babies. And at times if a baby isn't causing a problem, they are left alone.
I don't think so, I come from a country where a housewife is not a thing, and I didn't know any growing up. We all went to child care and people socialize a lot, then and now.
Social skills are an interface, a communications protocol. That is necessary but not sufficient. You also have to have something substantive to say over that channel - an attractive personality, an interesting life. When that’s missing, mere presence and conversation don’t make anyone involved any less lonely.
I don't know about that. Even if their lives are boring anf they have a bland personality, I think with the right skills and confidence I can be friends with most HN users(or rather most 'hackers'). What I mean is,having something in common or a common interest might be enough,even if you're not well spoken or well rounded as a person.
What they call the loneliness epidemic these days is a bit like that. In fact,I would say loneliness is social imprisonment. For one reason or the other individuals end up lacking the skills needed to develop meaningful social relationships,the opportunities are there but the skills are lacking.
Much like becoming institutionalized, prolonged loneliness becomes a dependency in itself. At first you try everything you can to escape from the prison,then you learn to tolerate it,then you can't function outside of it.
I said all this to make one important point: For most people who experience prolonged loneliness,It's not lack of solutions or opportunities that keeps them lonely.
Not just in the US or the west but for all people,the importance of teaching children proper social skills needs to be communicated much like communicating the importance of good nutrition and hygeine has reduced preventable diseases throught the world.
For adults,I honestly don't know of any solution other than to continue creating opportunities for social interactions. It takes a lot of time,patience and practice to learn to make more friends and socialize once you settle down as a working adult.