Anthropologists and historians often argue that religion and spirituality - in their purest forms - are actually a coping mechanism that humans evolved into. Think of the hunter gatherer cultures - or even before language was invented. Every moment not spent hunting and gathering and reproducing, they would spend worshiping the sun, or trees, or turtles, anything. An expression of wonder and albeit servitude to the mystery of life. It wasn't until Pharoahs that we started to worship humans (which could be where we screwed up =/ ). Nonetheless, this is how people have made sense of their existence. Still in present days, even absurdists (myself) or atheists/agnostics are just doing their best to apply logic to an existence that doesn't make a lick of sense. We're still searching for a concrete reason for being. I think it's hilariously unlikely, and so amazing that a billion years of wandering stardust turned into an organism that strives to question where it came from. Just wow.

If I could convince you read one book, I would choose "Be Here Now" by Ram Das. It is by no means ordinary english literature - but it's a fantastic journey inside and outside of yourself.

I've read all your comments in this thread, and it sounds like you've spent quite a lot of time in despair - and I want to share my sympathies with you. Love will always be able to bring us out from those dark places. Hey...Obi-Wan Kenobi said so.